Fertile Ground Movie (SPOILER ALERT)

I am a huge horror movie fan and maybe the title should have made me wary, but will I ever learn? Here is the plot.  A successful young arty couple from the city are holding a dinner party as the wife is pregnant and has just found out she is carrying a girl.  Cue first scene that contains lots of smiley bump holding and lullaby music...lol.  Tragically, half way through the meal, the wife doesn't feel very well and has a violent miscarriage in the bathroom, and even trips over the blood on the floor to a loud bang, whereby Kane, her husband runs upstairs to see the dreadful scene.  The next scene is the wife looking very very derranged in a hospital, attached to a drip, staring at a uterine scan trembling and saying 'Scarring, I can never have.....'. I actually thought the hospital scene was pretty tastfully done as it is completely devesating, and I must have looked very theatrical being escorted through a crowded waiting room in hysterics. 
In the next chapter we open to find that they have moved to a quiet house in the country, but it has a terrible history.  Several women have died there over the years.  They find boxes of little girls toys etc in the cellar.  There is even a very tender love-making scene where the wife is very anxious about how her body is and her husband calls her perfect.  Huge brownie points there!!!!!
Over the next few weeks crazy things start happening to the wife as they find a woman's skull by the sewerage pipe.  She sees several ghosts of angry men yelling and bedragled women, one is carrying a baby and one whose dress is covered in blood as if she has miscarried. 
In the next scenes, she receives a phonecall and she gasps and says she is pregnant again!  Her husband doesn't seem very happy at all.  He then seems to be very tetchy and preoccupied with his work and then descends into being angry and aggressive.  The wife's dillusions become worse as she stops taking her pills that she has being taking since her first miscarriage as she is pregnant.  She comes out of her appointment and tells her husband that her second pregnancy is very high risk and she is on bedrest.  He seems even more aggressive and her ghosty sitings become worse.  She flees and tries to walk out but develops terrible cramps and returns home to bed.  Finally she sees the miscarrying ghost again and is guided to a diary of a previous woman who was pregnant and was murdered  by her angry husband.  The wife checks dates and the diary entries match.  As her husband is away she calls her best mate who dashes over and locks herself in the house.  She thinks she sees a ghost and stabs out with a knife and it happens to be her mate.  She thinks a ghost man is after her stabs out again on the balcony, low and behold, it is her now dead husband.   She is arrested and the last scene shows her being scanned, there was no baby.  She is then sectioned in a cell.

So the upshot is that this woman was driven crazy by her IF to the point that she had a phantom pregnancy.  Jesus Christ, why doesn't the media see that these constant portrayals of mad infertile women create stereotypes that people actually believe them.  You only need glance at the comments sections of papers like 'The Daily Mail' (whose readership is in the millions) when they write an infertility story to see that people really believe the pictures that the media paint.

Infertile at 29: What it's like succeeding at everything except IVF article

http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/conception/infertility-in-vitro-fertilization-pregnancy-age
I saw this article and I can certainly empathise with the writer.  Even though we've known that we would be facing issues from day one, I understand what it is like to be in her shoes.  I was fortunate to have a damn good education (which is something I am eternally grateful to my parents), university, very happy marriage, drama school and even some subsequent work (albeit sparse..lol) etc, but when it comes down to it, one thing I can't get is a pregnancy and subsequent child.  I am being stumped by something that is completely out of my control.  Those people out there who have never dealt with IF will never get how defeated you feel by your own body when it can't do this most natural of things.  In fact, I would argue that a baby is a secondary desire to that most terrifying fear when you realise that your body, for whatever reason, isn't working.  For some, this is after months of ttc nothing happens and the tests start or in my case a pre -diagnosed issue that has is tough enough to deal with but IF is the icing on the cake.  It is this process of knowing that something is wrong with your body that needs investigating because it could be the start of something more serious is something that should be acknowledged  by people in general.  IF is so much more than a quest for a baby!

Worst things to say to someone TTC

I saw this link on People and thought I would share.  Unless you are living it then you are clueless!!!!  If you want to add some more, please do.  Any more witty retorts would be greatly appreciated.
xx
http://pregnant.thebump.com/getting-pregnant/fertility-problems/slideshow/worst-things-to-say-to-someone-ttc.aspx

My SIL's scan

My SIL had her 20wk scan today and confirmed over Facebook that she was having a boy.  I am so glad because it would mean that there is still a remote chance that I could give my DH family the first girl.  About 18 months ago a name and an image of our daughter just popped into my head so vividly that sometimes I can picture her as I fall asleep.  I know it sounds silly but the name that came to me actually means 'Grace that comes from a sea of bitterness'....weird or what!  I was never the kind of girl that planned her wedding and kids by the time she was 7years old, but this name and image really stuck in my mind.  I would be devastated if either of my sisters or SILS used my baby name. I never thought I could get so possessive over something like that. 

Baby Mama movie (spoiler mentioned)

Maybe because I am feeling very hormonal right now.....yes AF is on her way (TMI), but last night Babymama was aired and I sat and watched it as I did my ironing (wow I lead a fun life!!!!).  It is the story, the protagonist is a 37yr old business women (yeah yeah) who has everything but a baby and she has a T shaped womb.  Call me sceptical by why is she a single 37yr year old business woman???  The fact that her uterus is the wrong shape is a by-line for that fact that she can't find 'the one' and that it is her fault that she is too picky to find a man.  So, she hires an obviously younger woman to be a surrogate.  Being the controlling business woman, she tries to control every aspect of this natural process and turn it into a highly organised affair....please!!!  It turns out that the surrogate isn't pregnant with her child but is pregnant with her on/off partner's baby so a maternity suit ensues.  In the meantime business woman learns to 'relax' and finds a man and gets naturally pregnant after the first try.  Nobody has any form of treatment and all is happy!!!!!  How naive is the Hollywood version of pregnancy/childbirth and motherhood!!!!!  It insults surrogacy as a mucky transaction.  It shows that if a woman can't have children it is their fault and that 'Earth Mothers' are more happy.  Why not make a sensitive movie about how a young couple can't naturally have children and they exhaust every avenue and it shows accurately how society treats these people.  Maybe it would open people's eyes to the issue and that it could affect somebody who is close to them and that they need support. 

People Magazine article (Miranda Kerr)

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2011/05/21/miranda-kerr-motherhood-made-me-more-of-a-woman/

I have to say I hate this article title 'Motherhood has made me more of a woman'.  Whilst the article starts to explain that it is her new found curves that make her feel more womanly, it is clearly implied that motherhood is equal to femininity.  What does that make us non-mums?  Are we less than women?  How about those oh so natural mums who mistreat their children, they are surely not as womanly as a loving mother.  Does this mean that us non-mums are equal to those neglectful mothers in terms of womanliness?  Yes, I do feel less of a woman because the most feminine of areas of my body don't work but I know damn well that if we have this treatment and it is successful, I will work damn hard to be a good mum and be a better woman for my child's sake.  Sorry for the rant but I am exhausted and hormonal...lol xx

Pregnant celebrities

It seems that everywhere I look there are pictures of various famous women holding their bumps with pride, revealing their latest cravings or showing exclusive pictures of their designer nurseries that await their imminent arrival.  Here's a thought, why not have articles about celebrities who are raising awareness of infertility and that they didn't 'just wait too late' and are thus viewed as cruel career women.  By showing the world that infertile people are normal and that we are capable of leading happy lives it would maybe show the world that we don't need the constant questions about our lack of children.

Daily Mail Article- extremely insensitive to infertile people

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1388477/Barren-Britain-19-women-childless-menopause.html

I am completely shocked to see this article published by this paper.  It explains how 19-20% of British women are childless by the menopause, and calls them 'barren'.  Barren means infertile not childless by choice.  It then insinuates that these women then go on to regret their decision.  I for one am sick of being lumped together with those people who have made a decision not to breed (a decision which I find admirable).  I am childless not by choice, I have no say in the matter and I am being treated like a 'cold hearted career woman'.  I am dreading having to face my forties with a new barage of questions about why I never chose to start a family with such a loving husband.  When will these challenges ever stop!!!

Donor egg baby article.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/may/14/donor-eggs-pros-cons-conception

This week, I read a very insightful article about a journalist who conceived via donor egg.  She poses some serious questions that I am going to have to address.
1) Even though I am pregnant, will the child 'feel' like mine.
2) How will I cope, raising a child who isn't biologically mine?
3) Do we tell our child the truth?
4) How do I cope if our child decides to trace his/her egg donor?
5) How do we discuss my South African roots?
6) Do we tell others about how our child was conceived?  If so who?
7) Will our families love our child the same as biological members of the family?
8) How do I approach my employers with the news that I am having a very high risk pregnancy?

At this early stage, I have more questions that answers, hopefully soon I will start to find my way and decide how these issues will be dealt with.  It just seems that unless a child is conceived naturally, within a marriage and when the mother is between 25-35yrs old, there is somebody around to pass judgment.  It is this factor that again makes infertility harder to deal with then it should be.

My changing relationship with my sister

I have decided to let my sister get on with things.  The reality is that she will probably have a million questions and she will need a mother's advice.  I have realised that my position as the childless older sister is going to dictate my relationship with both my sisters' future children. I have to confess that I just can't really face my husband's growing extended family. Moreover, as an infertile woman, it puts me between a rock and a hard place.  If I come on too strong then I am regarded as the desperate childless woman whose clock will soon start ticking and if I completely ignore the situation then I am a hard nosed selfish career woman.  Everybody else will be analyzing what I do.  I won't want to be all huggy kissy over the baby because lets face it, if a childless woman picked up your child, would you not think she was creepy??  I will only approach the child if given permission and I guess I will reluctantly hold it like I did with my SIL's son. It took me a fortnight to meet him and I only briefly held him very tentatively at the end of the visit.  This is the worst aspect of infertility, not being able to have a child is bad enough, but to be constantly judged and having to explain  your every move is a nightmare. The fact that my situation has affected the way that my sisters can tell me what should be extremely happy news is so unfair on them.    I just can't believe I haven't cried yet.

IVF for soldiers

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13415521
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1387693/Liam-Fox-Military-covenant-soldiers-permanently-fighting-court-cases.html
Wow.  Defense Secretary, Liam Fox, has said that under a new covenant, those soldiers who have been rendered infertile following injuries sustained whilst serving can get three courses of IVF on the NHS.  This is great news for those concerned, but how about also ensuring those of us who has served our country in other ways and who have paid the same taxes get the same benefit.

Different Cultures

I am half South African and this has added a new dynamic to my situation.
Firstly, my extended family, who don't know me that well,  have put a lot of pressure on me with the questions about when I'm going to have a baby.  It is the cultural norm to have a large family at a young age and to raise them in a 'traditional' fashion with a working father and a housewife mother. I worry how they will react towards me when they know that it is my unwed younger sister who is pregnant and not me.  They already want to know why I won't make my mum a granny.  
I also wonder how this will affect any prospective egg donation.  How will I explain the whole South African connection to my child?  It would certainly help to have a South African donor.  I certainly wouldn't want to meet her as to be honest, she is more of a woman than I will ever be. I wonder if I will have to go to South Africa.  I don't really want to because I don't want my folks to be involved until I tell them I am having a baby.  The fact that I would be there and in hospital would attract attention from my extended family too. I really want to keep this between myself and my husband.  I hope there is even a donor on the list.  I don't mind waiting for years.

Reacting to other peoples' pregnancies.

I have found over the years that I have reacted very differently to other people becoming pregnant.  I reacted very badly to both my SIL.  I feel numb towards my sister and really want to keep my distance. It is early days for her but I wonder how my feelings will progress.  My colleague has just been rushed off on maternity leave and actually I am getting into it by suggesting a baby mock up of a company t-shirt and I gave generously to her baby present fund!!!!!!  Previously, I have been in tears at my colleagues getting pregnant.  A couple of receptionists at my other job have toddlers and it is baby talk all the way and I am up and down.  I think because I spend so much time with kids as a teacher, I am able to get involved with their conversations so I feel included, so maybe working with kids has helped me.  I even call my classes 'my kids'. I don't get jealous at all.  I have had a couple of sticky moments with parents and I feel quite useless when that happens. Perhaps my job gives me a child fix???  Could this be that I am starting to deal with my infertility issues?

Blog feedback

Hi guys,
Just a note to say a huge thank you for all the kind words of support that you have posted on facebook.  It means a lot to me.
xx

My dad's role

I have been sitting here thinking about how my dad has reacted to my TS and my sister's pregnancy.  I can understand that because my family are so far away from the UK and I am the only member of the family here with her that he feels that it is my responsibility to look after her.  Quite how I am supposed to advise her is beyond me but I have to ask myself, how has he supported me?  Last night, he never asked me how I feel or how this affects me but that I should be there for her, which of course I am.  He left the nittygritty to my mum, as per usual, maybe it is because it concerns 'lady parts'...lol.  He has never spoken to me about my TS let alone the repercussions of it.  It would be nice to know that he does think about me occasionally.  This just demonstrates to me how IF really does have shattering consequences for not just those directly concerned.

I spoke to my mum about my sister's pregnancy

As expected my parents called.  My dad didn't chat for long but said that it should be treated positively and that I should support my sister as I am the only member of the family here in the UK, so I should send her a card.  Yes, my sister's pregnancy is a very happy event but surely only send a card when the baby arrives!!!!!  I understand that he is obviously very concerned for her health etc, but seriously, what possible advice could an infertile woman give a pregnant women....exactly!  My sister had said that I had been luke warm.  Well, ok I wasn't gushing, but I wouldn't be like that with anybody else as it isn't my news.  I mean that in a literal way and not in an emotional way.  I see it as a personal event between a husband and wife as it is their direct family.  I am just going to keep my distance as it isn't about me, my sister has many friends who have kids that she can call on.  I don't think I can provide any assistance at all to be fair.  In fact, it would make things worse.
Anyhow, my dad left the room to go to bed and my mum opened up.  She was more understanding about how I may feel, which was very kind of her and it transpires that both my sisters know about my TS and what it means.  I have to say it made me think about how much respect they have given me about it as they have never mentioned it.  It got me thinking that actually, my sister had continued to be kind by telling me quietly and considerately.  She could have had a massive party and let me cry, which would have made me look really bad.  It must have been so hard for her to tell me, after all, I was the last one to know.  I think I have found a new respect for her. 

Food for thought-10 reasons not to have children.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/119923/10_eyeopening_reasons_not_to?next=11

This article did make me sit up and think.  Why do people want children?  Maybe it is a biological urge.  If this all does go to plan then I would seriously worry about baby weight, stinky nappies, the cost and sleepless nights.  I guess that feeling of a child holding you is payment enough.  I wonder how many fertile couples think about these realities before they start trying??? As the addage says 'You don't know what you've got til its gone'.

My mum wants to talk.

Feeling rather uncomfortable as my mum texted me today to arrange a time to chat one evening.  I guess she knows that my sister has spoken to me.  This would be the first time that we would have to really talk about things.  I really don't want to mention my appointment or how I'm feeling about my sister.  It is early days in our baby journey.  My mum would also really not understand how I feel about my sister and it would come across as being bitchy and bitter, of which I am neither.

Mother's Day Part 2

Hi everybody.  Just checking in and hoping that everybody got through yesterday ok.  It seems that in USA especially there is a lot more fuss made about it.  In the UK it is usually about a week before when the whole high street is festooned with adverts for special deals for mums with cards and balloons in the windows.  I have to say that back in March (UK Mother's Day), I reacted alright.  I guess it was because I worked all weekend , as per usual.  I didn't really think about it.  I actually hate Father's Day more because it reminds me of what I can't give my husband. I browsed through my support websites this morning and I saw that many US readers struggled especially during the traditional church service that saw families congregate and this highlighted the issue for them.  Maybe because I am Atheist, this issue doesn't affect me and maybe it makes it easier.  Father's Day is going to be quite rough for me this year because My DH is now the only male member of his family is isn't a Dad or a Dad to be.  Until now, my DH has been quite poised, but when he goes to his family gathering this year I wonder if it hit him.  I think that I will have to address it this year to help him if he needs it.

Mother's Day

I'd just like to send all my readers in the USA, Australia and Canada warm wishes for Mother's Day.  It is a tough day for people in our position and I hope it treats you all kindly.  I'd just like to add a little fact that the founder of Mother's Day, Anna Jarvis was actually never a mum.
http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/worlds-best-moms

I have been feeling quite numb today but strangely enough I haven't cried about it.  I just don't understand it.  When I was told about my two SIL, I wept buckets.  I feel very cold now.  I just can't see myself being the doting aunt at all.  I feel bad about that, but it feels right, well, for the moment anyway.

Day 44-Appointment date

I think because my appointment news and my sister's announcement have come together, I am feeling rather shaky.  However, true to their word, Queen Mary's rang me back and my initial appointment is on August 3rd 2011.  I was even offered a first refusal possibility if there are cancellations!!!!  Good show Queen Mary's!!

My parents also need to cope with my infertility.

I am now thinking with a more rational head.  It has really struck me now that this could seriously affect my parents.  In a few weeks when my sister's announcement is made public, my mum will tell my extended family.  Even though this must be so exciting for her to at last be a granny, I am sure she will be met with comments that it is my younger sister and not me who is pregnant.  I hope for her sake that she can deal with that calmly. This just proves how deeply infertility cam affect a family, and not just the patient directly.

My sister's announcement

I'm writing this whilst in a bit of a daze so please bare with me.  This morning I received a facebook message from my youngest sister overseas telling me to call my other sister.  I called her this morning to be told that yes, she had recently found out she was pregnant.  She discovered it on the last day of a short trip to see my parents over the Easter break.  It would be a first grandchild for my parents.  My father apparently went into shock and my little sister cried.  Even though I knew it would never be me, I am right now feeling that 'first grandchild' moment has now been completely taken from me.  My husband's brother has recently had a baby and his baby brother's fiancee is pregnant.  It broke me to see the pictures of the happy new grandparents holding their first born grandchild.  Surely no subsequent announcements would be as special as that first.  Even though I was the first of us to get married, my mother has even told me that 'It wasn't what they really intended it to be'.  So I'm sure my siblings' weddings will be better too.  I really didn't want this to be a self indulgent me-post blog, perhaps I was being naive to think there wouldn't be me-moments, but I guess I am entitled to it this time.
xx

Day 43-big news!!!!!!!

I have to tell you guys that shortly after I left the voicemail message, the post arrived and low and behold Mr Postman brought me a  letter!!!!!!  Basically Gynaecology had asked me to call them to book an appointment.  I rang up and sure enough the referral letter had been received but it was in the manager's office and she will be in tomorrow. I was advised that I will be called back tomorrow by the booking agent.  Then within a few minutes the Assisted Conception Unit returned my call!!!  Wow Queen Mary's really looks as if they are on the ball!!!!
Yippppeeeeeeee!!!!
I can't believe this is happening, I am sooooo scared but in a good way.  Its a mixture of excitement and worry.  I'm excited about the prospect of becoming a mum but terrified of what it will mean and the hurdles that we will have to face.
xx

Day 43-the phone call.

Well, after 43 days, I thought it would be a good idea to chase up my progress, just to make sure we hadn't been lost in the system as I guess they are so busy.  I found the Assisted Conception Department's phone number and it went to voice mail, so I left my details.  Fingers crossed!!

Appointment Question

Hi guys.
I was just wondering, it has now been 6 weeks-including two long weekends and I still haven't received my first appointment date through.  Is this normal?  I'm not sure if I should be chasing up the hospital, especially as they may be taking on patients from two neighbouring hospitals assisted conception departments, which have closed in the government cuts. Any advice would be greatly received.
xx

The Royal Wedding

Now here is something that has got me going.  I'm sure many of you watched the festivities of Friday 29th April.  No doubt it is now Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge's duty to get pregnant as soon as possible, in order to provide the Royal family with a successor to William.  As history shows, royal women have been used a beautiful breeding accessory for their men and in many cases woe betide if they fail.....regardless of who is to 'blame' e.g. Anne Boleyn.  I wonder if she had to go through various tests? In fact in some royal households e.g. Swaziland, where the King has 11 wives, a woman who is to be married into the royal house is only a consort until she conceives, and then they marry.  The Shah of Iran even had to divorce his wife Soraya due to her inability to conceive and she even had to go through the torment of a public address. Wow, there are even jobs out there that are out of bounds if you are infertile...lol.
On the bright side though, being a state paid breeder in this royal context is no different to being on benefits except one doesn't buy their jewelry from George at Asda!

Surrogacy

I have also been thinking about surrogacy.  As I have no eggs of my own and there is a possibility that my womb may be too small and that strong drug may only help minimally, this is another option.  This would mean that my husband's sperm would fertilise another woman's egg and the embryo would be implanted into the donor.  This is very touchy ground as any resulting child would be biologically my husband's with another woman, even though of course there would be no 'natural conception'...lol.  It would certainly give my husband the opportunity to be a biological father but thinking from my own persepctive, again, I would miss out on the pregnancy and I would feel like a spare part in the room when she would have scans etc.  Legally too, I would have no right at all if anything was to happen.  I have read so many scare stories of the arrangement going wrong and the surrogate claiming full custody where the childless couple (where the man is the biological father) have no rights but they have to pay maintenance.  It is as if the childless couple are always at the bottom of the pile, which to an extent I can understand as the child comes first but they are still suffering emensly after a huge battle. It is as if the world is just telling them to 'get over it'!!!!!! As if........
Some of my posts may be a little selfish but surely any parenthood is a lifelong commitment and it is a two way relationship?

Adoption Question

Hi guys,
Back again.    Hope you all had a good Easter break.  Today I have been thinking about the pros and cons of adoption as a possible option.  My issue is that because I have heart issues (albeit minor), it could make it hard for us to adopt.  I just couldn't face the rejection on top of my infertility.  I also just couldn't deal with the social stigma attached to it as well.  I must stress that this stigma is against the child not me.  It seems that whatever the options are, the questions will follow.  Some of the horror stories that I have heard make my blood boil.  These include:

Do they come with names?
What happened to their real mother?
You are so brave taking in a child from a neglected background!

I seriously would not want my child hearing such abominations said against them, either behind their backs or to their faces.  I would also wonder how my folks and in-laws would accept a grandchild who wasn't biological.  I also wonder how I could care for a child who wasn't biologically mine.  At this present moment I ask myself if I would allow such a child to call me 'mummy'?
Naturally, I would miss out on the huge issue of pregnancy and that does bug me as it quite clearly makes me feel less of a woman, as if the TS didn't do that by itself.  This leads me to the delicate issue of how would I speak to my child about their biological roots, surely they would care.  Every child reaches the dreaded teens and it would gut me to hear them say that I wasn't their mum.  If there is a biological relative still alive, surely they could claim some contact with the child, and I would not feel comfortable with that, for very selfish reasons.  I really don't need the heartbreaking risk of a social worker or court taking my child in whom I had invested a lot of love, trust and yes, money.  I would be scared every day that there would be a knock on the door.  I would be treading on eggshells and that would not be good for the child.   Then again, doesn't every mother worry about her children every day?  It just seems that unless you are lucky enough to do everything as nature intended, it is such a moral and ethical minefield with everybody chipping in some point of view, which is more often than not cruel and ill-informed as they have not been through the minefield of infertility.