Wednesday 27 July 2011

Day 133- Things To Do Before Baby

It is Day 133 of my own barrentobaby journey.  It is a week until our first all important appointment.  I am 31yrs old and we decided to start our enquiry early so that we can have the most relaxed journey possible so that we can have time to think about our issue.  I am so grateful for this.  I decided to make a list of things that I would really like to do before any future baby arrives so I feel totally ready for motherhood...or as ready as I'll ever be.
1) I want to travel more, the USA being my first point of call.
2) I want my DH to learn to drive and for us to get another car.
3) Hopefully, I want us to buy a house to raise in which we can raise our little family.
4) I want us to sort out our finances before baby arrives-good news on this one- we are now completely debt free for the meantime....whooooppppeeeee!!!!We just need to save.  I guess one never really gets how much kids cost until they arrive.
5)  Lets get as far as we can in our careers.  I am lucky in that I am a trained actor and I have my credentials Composeso that I can manoeuvre around.  My DH has taken a year out to record his album.

So lets get working on that list!  Updates coming! xx

Different Types Of Infertility and the Media

Back again!  As is now a week until my big appointment I was thinking about different types of infertility and how various situations can affect the sufferers.  I feel that as the general public are so ill informed and that is partly the media's fault I would try and break it down a little. All infertility causes the same terrible heartache at the end of the day.

Medical Infertility 
This is infertility where there is a diagnosed medical issue e.g. Turner's Syndrome, Azospermia, Endometriosis etc or the sufferer has been rendered infertile by a medical procedure or course of treatment e.g. a vasectomy or hysterectomy.  Many treatments for cancer, renal and cardiac issues and even diabetes can also damage fertility.  Many of these people can't adopt due to these medical issues in the first place and are often told that they should be 'grateful' that they are healthy as they can be.....seriously.  Would you tell somebody who is wheelchair bound after an accident that they should be grateful...no!  That is just crass.

Circumstantial Infertility
This is the group who really get a raw deal from the media especially from papers like the UK Daily Mail.  This group is usually made up of women  who either never met the right father for their children, wanted a career, or had some form of weight/age issue and now they find themselves childless not by choice.  The media constantly berate these women for damaging their own fertility by their lifestyle choices when they were probably born fertile.  This is so wrong.  Yes we all have decisions to make, sometimes we regret those decisions but stop hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?  Even the self righteous holier than thou media make mistakes. 

Secondary Infertility
This group have been fortunate to have one child either naturally or with assistance.  The media and public at large usually tell them to be grateful for what they have, or are told that they are selfish just for having one child!!!!!  As if they had a choice in that!!!

Unexplained Infertility
These are the couples who after trying and after extensive tests seem to be healthy but still can't conceive.  This group usually have to endure rude jokes about firing blanks and questions about what is wrong....well if they knew that they would have a family wouldn't they!! 

Each group has it's own issues but they all suffer at the end of the day from the fact that they lack the child that so dearly want.  I just wish the media and the public would try and learn a bit about this subject and that even though the outcome is the same the issue is actually quite complicated and needs attention.

Wednesday 20 July 2011

PETA Infertility Awareness Week Petition

http://www.change.org/petitions/tell-peta-infertility-is-not-a-joke-2
This petition is in response to a PETA campaign when they 'celebrated' National Infertility Week by giving away a free vasectomy...yes you did read that correctly!!!! I was shocked to read this article given the fact that I am a staunch veggie and animal lover. xx

How To Support Your Turner's Syndrome Daughter/Wife/Friend

The fact is I am on here because I have Turner's Syndrome i.e. no ovaries.  It is a chromosome disorder that can lead to several life changing issues.   Here's a few thoughts as to how to best support that special little lady in your life.

1) Sociospacial Awareness:
Many TS patients have a Turner Neurocognative Phenotype (hope that is spelled correctly). Basically, this means that she may have difficulty with things like learning to walk as a baby, balancing, hand-eye co-ordination, sports, typing and driving.  She may have dyscalculia i.e. number blindness.  So she may need extra tuition with these things at school.  If learning to drive, I recommend starting out on automatic first.  Try maybe a dance class or yoga to help with the hand-eye co-ordination/balance. 

2) Clothes:
This is a constant source of frustration, especially as she gets older.  Usually trousers and jackets will need altering.  A sewing machine may be a good investment. 

3) Health:
Watch out for things like weight gain and encourage her to eat a healthy diet.
Your endocrinologist may suggest cardiac checks.
Encourage her to drink enough water as TS patients are susceptible to bladder/kidney infections.

I know that there are several TS ladeez out there reading this, so please chip in your thoughts and additions to the list. xx

Monday 18 July 2011

How To Support An Infertile Family Member Guide

I have also decided to write a guide so that people who know that their child/sibling is dealing with infertility can try and give support.  These points are in addition to the previous guide I constructed, again guys, I'd love to hear your opinions.  It is a difficult subject to approach as breeding is so natural.  I can't tell people not to talk about their pregnancies /kids but it can be so isolating for an infertile person.  The key is to let them know you care.  This is a rough guide as I am only going through this for the first time myself and would love to get this part more concise.

1) Please be gentle when telling them about other family members pregnancies especially if the expectant parent is younger.  The infertile person may feel extremely humiliated by this.

2)  Facebook is a minefield of scan pictures/baby bumps and happy families for an infertile person.  I can't say don't add these things but please just be aware how a close family member dealing with infertility may see this.  This point is just to raise awareness how seemingly innocent actions can be construed as extremely insensitive.

3)  If the infertile person is the eldest and a younger sibling falls pregnant it can be really rough.  They probably dreamed of how they would break the news of a first pregnancy.  Please, just discreetly ask how they are and that say that you care.  Talk about it on their terms.

I hope these points are helpful xx

How To Support An Infertile Friend Guide

Guys, I have decided that I have spent too much time ranting on this blog.  I wanted to try and write a constructive guide that explains concisely the kind of issues that we have to face and the kind of support we may need.  I would love to hear some feedback.

1) Please don't tell an infertile person to relax.  It can be taken as being extremely patronising.  Secondly, the chances are that you aren't a trained medical professional.  No amount of relaxing is going to make someone develop healthy ovaries,  womb, eggs or sperm. 

2) Please don't boast about your own fertility.  The fact is you are fertile, just looking at your partner or sitting on the same seat as them when it warm doesn't make a baby, two healthy reproductive systems does.  It is also extremely demeaning for an infertile person to hear that because they may be wondering what the hell is wrong with their/partner's body.  Infertility is one thing, but the failure to conceive after a year of regular timed unprotected intercourse could mean that something serious going on behind the scenes (not wanting to alarm any infertile couple reading this). 

3)  Please don't tell the infertile couple to 'just adopt'.  The paradox is that on the adoption list points score, parents score higher as they have childcare experience.  If you think it is such a great idea (which obviously it is), why didn't you adopt instead of having your biological children?

4)  Please don't tell them to 'get over it as it is no big deal'.  If you are a a true friend then I shouldn't really be having to tell you this.  Are you actually thinking that your children are no big deal, no, well then the children that the infertile person dreams about having are just as important to them.  

5) Likewise, don't tell them that 'It is not in God's/life's plan/ it is just not meant to be'.  If you really think that any of these lines is anything but extremely rude and insensitive then you aren't that bright.  It is the affected couple's decision when to stop treatment as they are having to deal with the fact that they will never have a family. 

6)  It is also not very advisable to tell them that  they are actually lucky not to be able to have children.  The chances are that, of course, they enjoy the lie-ins, holidays, money etc, but infertility is a seriously isolating experience, they don't need reminding. 

I hope this starts to explain the kind of things that infertile people have to deal with, remember one day you may need their support dealing with something that they may not understand, today it is their turn.

Thursday 14 July 2011

Really mum...... text message and Facebook mentioned.

I guess this is a rant but I just had to share.  I was woken up by a text message from my mum.  The text basically mentioned my pregnant sister's dog had been rushed to the vet after accidentally eating chocolate.  She went on to say that she had seen a really cute ladybird babysuit like the one my sister had as a baby.  Was this really the kind of thing I needed to read? Yes, she must be so happy to be a Granny but please just share that with my sister privately and not me!  It was too much.  It just made me think that there is now a link that they share and I never will, it makes me feel low.  I also just had to switch off my and DH family members from Facebook as I just can't take all the pictures and comments.  They have the perfect right to be happy but they know about my situation, I guess I was silly to think that they would even think for a second about somebody else.  Anyhow, on a happier note I actually managed to get a lovely bundle of clothes!!! Shocking really as I usually find it so hard to buy anything apart from shoes and underwear!!!!!

Tuesday 12 July 2011

Guardian Article: Why the media hate assisted motherhood?

To be honest, I held off writing for a few days as I have been following this issue intently and wanted to think before I put pen to paper.  Dea Birkett has written an article in the Guardian asking why the media portray assisted motherhood in such  a negative way.  I don't feel that they do, the media just mirror what people feel, and this is disturbing.  I feel we should be doing more to educate those internet trolls who systematically write extremely abusive replies every day in online internet newspaper comment boards.  These people are sadly everyday folk who are clueless about the issue of infertility.  There has been a lot in the news recently about IVF on the NHS.  I am a firm believer that it should be available.  This is not just because I am intending to access this treatment but because I have realised that actually, the inability to conceive is a secondary issue for me. My bugbear is the way infertile are treated.  We pay our taxes like everybody else and yet we are told what we can and cant have even though, like everybody else we are chipping in to the coffers for schools and NHS treatment we will never need.  It is down to that quite psychopathic element of human nature that says we look after our own.  This is why these idiots that expect us to 'just adopt', never do so themselves, even though it is proven that if you already have kids and thus have experience you are more likely to have a successful adoption application.  That is why we are expected to sit down and shut up but keep chipping in to the government, and are told to care for those who are already on this planet rather than add to the count.  Ironically enough it is the parents of several kids that tell us this who really thought about planet overcrowding when they conceived.  I don't the media are anti-IVF, but I feel we face a greater danger from an ill educated public.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jul/07/ivf-media-hate-assisted-motherhood

Wednesday 6 July 2011

Infertilty insensitivity on Facebook

Wow, and just to think that only days ago I plucked up the courage to text my sister with a kind message, and only at my parents behest. My dad was wittering on about how supportive she is being to me, really, so why did she then start plastering bump pictures all over Facebook?  I think this just goes to show that even though people know about your issue, it doesn't make them more sensitive.  I honestly think that the only thing worse than not being able to have a baby is suffering from the insensitivity of those around you when you can't and the fact that you can't speak out when these things happen for fear of being judged even more!  I hope my rant is coherent, sorry if I appear bitter but I am really angry and hurt right now. xx

Sunday 3 July 2011

Achievement

Today, I plucked up all my courage and texted my pregnant sister.  I wrote simply 'Hope all is well xx'.  It seemed like I had turned a corner! 

Friday 1 July 2011

MSN DEIVF NHS Postcode Lottery Article

http://news.uk.msn.com/health/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=158436409

This article has got me thinking about the inevitable issue of having to be a donor egg recipient.  As I don't have any eggs of my own due to Turner's Syndrome, this is our situation, but I am worried on several fronts.

1) Ethnicity of the donor:  I am from abroad and would need an egg donor whose DNA would match.  I need to be able to explain my roots to my child.

2)  There are only 1,150 egg donors in the UK means that if nobody comes forward as a match we may have to go abroad, we have no money for this.   I find it so scary that there are so few donors, probably due to the fact that they lose their anonymity.  We need to push this issue.  There are couples out there who can't adopt and need eggs and sperm to help them start a family.

3) Luckily, we are starting tests soon as I am 31yrs old, so we are in no rush even if there is a long list.  I just hope I am applicable.

4)  Many PCTs are now arbitrarily denying couples IVF.  There needs to be a national standard. So far, so good on this one for me.  As we are getting in early, I am expecting a wait.