Tyrannosaur (plot spoiler)

I just had to write about this amazing British film starring Olivia Colman as a Christian charity shop manager Hannah.  She befriends a brash alcoholic widower Joseph, who she finds collapsed infront of her shop after having being assaulted.  At first he berates her for being a posh idealist who knows little about life.  He asks her why she set up her shop and why she isn't with her husband and kids.  She plucks up all her courage and says 'we can't have them'.  She scoffs at her disbelievingly.  He leaves her in tears.  The next day he returns to appologise.  It turns out that her husband is a violent psychopath who beats and rapes her.  On seeing her  bruised face, Joseph takes her in; and whilst she's out he takes her keys and goes to her house.  He finds her husband's corpse drenched in blood.  It transpires that she killed him in a row, and that he had sexually assaulted her with glass and now she is infertile.  Her portrayal of an infertile woman, traumatised by the terrible way she ended up in that situation was utterly believable, her whistful glances at a mother and child in the park were not theatrical, but understated.  Well done!!!!

Guardian Article: I May Not Be A Mother But I Am Still A Person

This article is great! For me, it is not just not being able to have a baby that hurts, but the way infertile women are treated that really grates me.  I could have have 8 degrees, a billion pound empire, have travelled around the world etc, but in a room full of people, I will be asked if I have kids I say 'no' and the person asking will walk away.   

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/25/child-free-women-jody-day

Daily Mail: Baby Envy, The New Social Divide

 Unbelievable, just when I thought the Daily Mail had previously written a supportive article about those going through infertility, this piece of literary trash is published.  There is a reason why many infertile women find it easier to sometimes be away from social crowds.  Sometimes the inability to have a baby is secondary to the way people treat you for being childless.  Many folks can't believe that childless wome exist.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2102376/Baby-envy-The-new-social-divide.htm

Fertility Quango sits on £3.4m as thousands of women are refused IVF

Guys, this is a scandal.  We are all tax payers, yet some of us are being denied the treatment that we need, in many cases for major issues.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2101853/Fertility-quango-sits-3-4m-thousands-women-refused-IVF.html#comments

Woman in Black (spoiler)

Hi guys,

After yesterday's news DH and I decided to see Woman in Black.  It concerned a young widower lawyer, played by Daniel Radcliffe, who is called up to a barren wilderness on the north east coast to arrange the paperwork for a house sale after the owner died.  The locals firmly discourage him from going there, and he ignores them.  Once there he encounters sinister paranormal activity and a strange figure in black.  Throughout his stay several local children die in horrific circumstances.  It transpires that this situation is not new, and practically every local family has suffered.  These events have usually occurred after somebody has been near the house and has seen the woman in black.  As the lawyer files the paperwork at the house, he finds out that a young boy drowned in the mud, whilst with his 'mother'. His body was never recovered.  It turns out that his 'mother ' was not his mum, but his aunt who removed him from his real mother's care after she was considered unfit, and he was brought up not knowing the truth.  His real mum saw the accident when the coach he and her sister were travelling in overturned.  According to her, the boy could have been saved but her sister was too selfish to save him.  The distraught mother hung herself in the nursery and haunted it ever since, and reeked a terrible revenge by taking local children.  The lawyer knows his son and nanny are coming to see him, and quickly jumps into the mud to retrieve the corpse of the boy and reunite it with that of the mother, in an attempt to save his own son, who is at risk as his dad saw the ghost.  In the end, at the train station, the ghost distracts the lawyer and nanny and the son jumps onto the train tracks and the lawyer jumps to save him, both are killed and are reunited with his dead wife.
This film fascinates me as it shows a clear depiction of a mad childless woman (typical!), but also a selfish parent, as the lawyer only 'helped' the ghost to save his own son, not to help her.

Sutton PCT and DEIVF

Hi guys,

Giving you an update.  To be honest I am feeling completely numb and I am going to need some time to think about our next steps.  I received a letter from the head of the ACU at Queen Mary's Roehampton.  The letter basically said that because my postcode doesn't fall within Wandsworth, any funding would be done via Sutton PCT, and would I like to referred over.  I rang the ACU at St Helier, Sutton and I was informed that my PCT stopped all referrals for IVF, regardless of patients' medical background, on April 30th 2011.  As a result I have no funding even though I have a legitimate medical issue that has led to my infertility in the first place.  I have to say I am beyond gutted by this news, and spent a good deal of yesterday afternoon in tears.  I am so mad at Sutton PCT right now.  I am a tax payer and yet they are denying me the treatment I need.  I am seriously aiming to name and shame them!  This has now left us with the following options:

A) Do nothing.
B) Complain via PALS.
C) Adopt.
D) Move house.
E) Go private.

At the moment, options E and A are a no go, we do not have the funds to go private.  I am going to start work on my case and get researching. 
More to the point, I don't even know if I am going to get my hysteroscopy on the NHS.  It is worth noting that the ACU staff at Roehampton referred me for this as a shadow was found on my scan.  This shadow could be anything froma polyp to a tumour! 
I am not going down without a fight on this issue.  
xx

Fertility Clinic Test Results

Well, we've been to get our results.  My DH SA came back normal....hooray!!!!!!  My AHM test confirmed that the only way I am going to get pregnant is by donor egg.  My PCT don't do this on the NHS unless there are exceptional circumstances.  I can't ask either of my sisters for eggs as my youngest has no kids and the other has a baby and will obviously have another.  We have basically be sent off to find out about egg donation.  We have no money so we don't know really where to go from here.  The fact that a legitimate procedure is being denied to me on the NHS when I have a life altering medical condition is appalling.  The one thing that people who have never had to encounter fail to realise is the way in which it completely changes your life.  There is no other medical condition that creates this reaction.  In fact I have found that the ripples it causes are far worse than the desire for a baby itself.  I may even think about moving house. 

Happy New Year

Just a note to wish all my readers a Happy 2012.  This Xmas period has been hard.  On Xmas Eve, I finally picked up the phone to my mum and I openly told her how I felt.  I explained how I felt that her e-mail completely belittled me and the huge situation I have to face.  She apologised unreservedly and we wept buckets.  My sister who had the baby even rang me shortly afterwards to say that 'she knew how I felt and there was no pressure'.  I have to say it felt great to confront my mum and get it out in the open.
On Wednesday 28th, my parents and my youngest sister met up and we had a lovely day.  We just enjoyed each others company and it wasn't about the baby, even though obviously he was mentioned.  I sent up Xmas pressies, including a ladybird rattle for him.  It feels like a weight off my mind.

Update About My Pregnant Sister

Hi guys, I know that I haven't been around for a while but I received notification that on Saturday night that my sister has had her son.  Even though I have been bracing myself for this news, it hit me so hard.  I tried to mentally prepare myself.  I found that a really good tip is to buy a new baby gift online, because to be honest, I think I would have found going instore too hard.  On Sunday, I ordered a new born baby basket with a card, and it is due to be delivered today.  It did take every ounce of strength to do that and it only took a couple of minutes.  I also texted her to let her know and to say congratulations.  I am glad it happened before Xmas, I feel a bit more upbeat about it now.  I have to say that 2011 has been really tough on me as three of our siblings have had babies on both sides of the family.  I feel a lot brighter about 2012. 
Sadly, I'm still not really talking to my folks, especially my mum, even though she finally wrote an e-mail with some kind of apology, it wasn't  for hurting me, moreover a sentiment of her wanting to get the family together and failing.  I don't want to sound arrogant, and obviously this is one sided but I feel that by sending the gift and text, I really feel like the better person here.  That was more than my folks ever said to me.  My mother also said that my sister really wanted to get close to me during this experience, and you know, maybe I would have wanted to as well, and as an older sister, possibly give her advice, but due to my situation, what advice could I probably give.  This is yet another experience that my infertility has robbed me. 

The Scan

Well guys, I had my scan.  It went ok.  The radiographer was lovely.  The probe wasn't too bad at all.  The left side was very quick, but the right side took a lot longer.  She kept asking me to push on my side.  She didn't say much as I guess she wasn't qualified to give me a medical opinion.  I find out on January 4th.  However, if there is something wrong, then I'm sure the ACU will call me.  It was fascinating to see my womb on the screen.  It looked quite small with a white outline.  There was blue fuzziness above it.  I just wander what ovarian tissue is present and if it is healthy.

Egg Donor Payment In The UK Article

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-15356148

Hi ladies,
Feeling a lot better today, thank you for all your kind words of support.  I have attached the link to an interesting BBC article debating a raise in rates for egg donors.  Yes please!  The process is so invasive that these brave volunteers who submit themselves to it in order to help a childless couple surely should be rewarded for their contribution.  Given the fact that some couples wait years for a donor because the list is so high is mad.  This is going to be the most frustrating bit for me as I am mixed race, we need to think how to tell our future child about my roots. This would mean that I could be looking at a very specific donor, which will be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  xx

Feeling a little sad today

Well, I plucked up the courage to look at Facebook today.  It appears as if DH second brother became a dad last night, on my pregnant sister's birthday.  My DH is now officially the only male member of the family not to be a dad.  I feel so humiliated, his dad and brothers now share something so special that he does not.  xx

Carl Wood IVF Pioneer

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/oct/16/carl-wood-obituary

Carl Wood, the Australian IVF pioneer behind the use of frozen embryos has died.  Thank you Carl for all the happiness that you have brought to so many families. xx

Insulting E-mail From My Mother

Hi guys,

I am so angry right now that it took me several hours to find the coherant words to post today.  Last night my mum sent me an e-mail which I will paraphrase.  My pregnant sister and I have never really be close but yesterday she went for a 4D scan that confirmed she is having a boy.  Apparently, she wanted to share all the pictures with me but feels that she has been abandoned by me.  We have never been close and why would that start now??? I have just left her to enjoy her pregnancy in peace, seriously, what remote support could I give her????  Likewise, she knows I have TS and can't have kids but how on earth could she support me?  This is probably why she has never mentioned it.  My mum then continued with the line that she has worked with several people who couldn't have children and they were devestated at first but then 'moved on with their lives'.  This translates to me like 'getting over it'.  Actually, I lead a very happy life and I even asked for my sister's new address two days ago so I could sent her birthday things.  Does this sound like the actions of a bitter and twisted infertile woman?????  She even went as far as to say that I needed to 'speak to someone'.  How dare she write such nasty things like that!  When I do need support I have all the great websites that I read.  I know when I need to talk to someone.  I also know that I don't need my mother to write such cruel and heartless things. 

Free IVF on the NHS E-Petition. End the Postcode Lottery

http://ivf.epetitions.net/signatures.php?petition_id=2105&page_next=0

Hi guys,  I forget if I have already added this link, but in any case, this is an important issue that people need reminding about.  Infertility patients have to face this issue for various reasons, many through awful illnesses e.g. cancer, cardiac, renal issues, and genetic conditions (that are not hereditary so these patients couldn't pass them on).  In many cases these patients can't adopt due to the medication they have been given.  To deny these people families is extremely cruel and IVF is an important part of palliative care for these patients.

BIL wedding..minefield survival.

Woah, what a weekend.  On Saturday my BIL got married.  I had been seriously worried for weeks about it because it was going to be a minefield.  Firstly, my other SIL is due any day now and at one point she was going to spend the night with us, and I completely balked at that idea.  Secondly, I would have to face BIL/SIL baby and all the cooing.  Thirdly, my SIL mum who had seriously pissed me off two years ago when she abruptly asked, "How many children do you have?  What none?  Why not??????"  I just couldn't stomach her after that one!!! 
Well, for the last month I had prepared as much as I could to face any situation, smart assed answers check, avoidance..check.  However, pregnant SIL didn't have to stay (I had to breathe a huge sigh of relief there).  my SIL mum didn't even mention it and actually complimented me on my dress...hoorah!!! I even managed to sit next to heavily pregnant SIL having twinges all day and the whole world asking her how she is at every available moment and I felt ok.....sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!  She did have to leave after the meal as she was tired, and I was also slightly relieved.  I did have a minor blip when we were waiting to go into the dining room and my pregnant SIL and BIL were sitting next to a couple who had a 3mnth old daughter and they were getting tips.  I was also sad when it was the first dance and my BIL, SIL and baby all danced as a family.  There were a lot of children there but I didn't have a melt down.  All in all I was very proud of myself. 

Guardian Article: What If IVF Fails?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/sep/17/ivf-couples-fertility-treatment

Interesting article.  It always amazes me though that these articles always seem to by-pass the real emotional pain behind infertility.  What about those who either can't 'move on' or who are in the midst of treatment and they are having  hard time.  Maybe if we read an article like that, then it would clear up huge misunderstandings and there would be more appreciation of what IF couple are going through.  

Day 187- Scan news

My scan for Friday 23rd was cancelled and I was rebooked in for tomorrow, which unfortunately I can't make, so it has been rebooked for Wednesday 26th October.....fingers crossed!!!!!! The first receptionist I spoke to was really quite snippy.  She sounded really impatient, but the second receptionist (male) was really polite.  Ah well, at least I got the job done.

Wedding Anniversary

Well yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary.  It was lovely, we had a meal, watched a movie and booked our Easter break to Portugal.  I can't wait.  It was also nice to have my parents call and ask about us rather than bleat on about my pregnant sister too.  It was nice to organise a break so any future RE appointments can be organised around it.  xx

Back again with an update

Hi guys.  I'm back from a lovely week away in Greece.  It was exactly what we needed to chill out.  I have received the date for my scan.  It is September 23rd.  I am really nervous because I've never really known how healthy I am in there.
This morning I have really been preoccupied with my age.  I never have before.  I am 31yrs old and my DH is 32yrs old.  It has really struck me that if all this works out I may have a maximum of 8-9yrs left to start a family and we haven't really started saving for a deposit on a house and I really want to do some more travelling especially to the USA.  At least we are debt free....whoopeee.  Now it is time to really sort out my priorities I guess.  This is such a complicated situation but I am sure all will become clear in the fullness of time. xx