Guys, I have decided that I have spent too much time ranting on this blog. I wanted to try and write a constructive guide that explains concisely the kind of issues that we have to face and the kind of support we may need. I would love to hear some feedback.
1) Please don't tell an infertile person to relax. It can be taken as being extremely patronising. Secondly, the chances are that you aren't a trained medical professional. No amount of relaxing is going to make someone develop healthy ovaries, womb, eggs or sperm.
2) Please don't boast about your own fertility. The fact is you are fertile, just looking at your partner or sitting on the same seat as them when it warm doesn't make a baby, two healthy reproductive systems does. It is also extremely demeaning for an infertile person to hear that because they may be wondering what the hell is wrong with their/partner's body. Infertility is one thing, but the failure to conceive after a year of regular timed unprotected intercourse could mean that something serious going on behind the scenes (not wanting to alarm any infertile couple reading this).
3) Please don't tell the infertile couple to 'just adopt'. The paradox is that on the adoption list points score, parents score higher as they have childcare experience. If you think it is such a great idea (which obviously it is), why didn't you adopt instead of having your biological children?
4) Please don't tell them to 'get over it as it is no big deal'. If you are a a true friend then I shouldn't really be having to tell you this. Are you actually thinking that your children are no big deal, no, well then the children that the infertile person dreams about having are just as important to them.
5) Likewise, don't tell them that 'It is not in God's/life's plan/ it is just not meant to be'. If you really think that any of these lines is anything but extremely rude and insensitive then you aren't that bright. It is the affected couple's decision when to stop treatment as they are having to deal with the fact that they will never have a family.
6) It is also not very advisable to tell them that they are actually lucky not to be able to have children. The chances are that, of course, they enjoy the lie-ins, holidays, money etc, but infertility is a seriously isolating experience, they don't need reminding.
I hope this starts to explain the kind of things that infertile people have to deal with, remember one day you may need their support dealing with something that they may not understand, today it is their turn.
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