Update About My Pregnant Sister

Hi guys, I know that I haven't been around for a while but I received notification that on Saturday night that my sister has had her son.  Even though I have been bracing myself for this news, it hit me so hard.  I tried to mentally prepare myself.  I found that a really good tip is to buy a new baby gift online, because to be honest, I think I would have found going instore too hard.  On Sunday, I ordered a new born baby basket with a card, and it is due to be delivered today.  It did take every ounce of strength to do that and it only took a couple of minutes.  I also texted her to let her know and to say congratulations.  I am glad it happened before Xmas, I feel a bit more upbeat about it now.  I have to say that 2011 has been really tough on me as three of our siblings have had babies on both sides of the family.  I feel a lot brighter about 2012. 
Sadly, I'm still not really talking to my folks, especially my mum, even though she finally wrote an e-mail with some kind of apology, it wasn't  for hurting me, moreover a sentiment of her wanting to get the family together and failing.  I don't want to sound arrogant, and obviously this is one sided but I feel that by sending the gift and text, I really feel like the better person here.  That was more than my folks ever said to me.  My mother also said that my sister really wanted to get close to me during this experience, and you know, maybe I would have wanted to as well, and as an older sister, possibly give her advice, but due to my situation, what advice could I probably give.  This is yet another experience that my infertility has robbed me. 

The Scan

Well guys, I had my scan.  It went ok.  The radiographer was lovely.  The probe wasn't too bad at all.  The left side was very quick, but the right side took a lot longer.  She kept asking me to push on my side.  She didn't say much as I guess she wasn't qualified to give me a medical opinion.  I find out on January 4th.  However, if there is something wrong, then I'm sure the ACU will call me.  It was fascinating to see my womb on the screen.  It looked quite small with a white outline.  There was blue fuzziness above it.  I just wander what ovarian tissue is present and if it is healthy.

Egg Donor Payment In The UK Article

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-15356148

Hi ladies,
Feeling a lot better today, thank you for all your kind words of support.  I have attached the link to an interesting BBC article debating a raise in rates for egg donors.  Yes please!  The process is so invasive that these brave volunteers who submit themselves to it in order to help a childless couple surely should be rewarded for their contribution.  Given the fact that some couples wait years for a donor because the list is so high is mad.  This is going to be the most frustrating bit for me as I am mixed race, we need to think how to tell our future child about my roots. This would mean that I could be looking at a very specific donor, which will be like looking for a needle in a haystack.  xx

Feeling a little sad today

Well, I plucked up the courage to look at Facebook today.  It appears as if DH second brother became a dad last night, on my pregnant sister's birthday.  My DH is now officially the only male member of the family not to be a dad.  I feel so humiliated, his dad and brothers now share something so special that he does not.  xx

Carl Wood IVF Pioneer

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/oct/16/carl-wood-obituary

Carl Wood, the Australian IVF pioneer behind the use of frozen embryos has died.  Thank you Carl for all the happiness that you have brought to so many families. xx

Insulting E-mail From My Mother

Hi guys,

I am so angry right now that it took me several hours to find the coherant words to post today.  Last night my mum sent me an e-mail which I will paraphrase.  My pregnant sister and I have never really be close but yesterday she went for a 4D scan that confirmed she is having a boy.  Apparently, she wanted to share all the pictures with me but feels that she has been abandoned by me.  We have never been close and why would that start now??? I have just left her to enjoy her pregnancy in peace, seriously, what remote support could I give her????  Likewise, she knows I have TS and can't have kids but how on earth could she support me?  This is probably why she has never mentioned it.  My mum then continued with the line that she has worked with several people who couldn't have children and they were devestated at first but then 'moved on with their lives'.  This translates to me like 'getting over it'.  Actually, I lead a very happy life and I even asked for my sister's new address two days ago so I could sent her birthday things.  Does this sound like the actions of a bitter and twisted infertile woman?????  She even went as far as to say that I needed to 'speak to someone'.  How dare she write such nasty things like that!  When I do need support I have all the great websites that I read.  I know when I need to talk to someone.  I also know that I don't need my mother to write such cruel and heartless things. 

Free IVF on the NHS E-Petition. End the Postcode Lottery

http://ivf.epetitions.net/signatures.php?petition_id=2105&page_next=0

Hi guys,  I forget if I have already added this link, but in any case, this is an important issue that people need reminding about.  Infertility patients have to face this issue for various reasons, many through awful illnesses e.g. cancer, cardiac, renal issues, and genetic conditions (that are not hereditary so these patients couldn't pass them on).  In many cases these patients can't adopt due to the medication they have been given.  To deny these people families is extremely cruel and IVF is an important part of palliative care for these patients.

BIL wedding..minefield survival.

Woah, what a weekend.  On Saturday my BIL got married.  I had been seriously worried for weeks about it because it was going to be a minefield.  Firstly, my other SIL is due any day now and at one point she was going to spend the night with us, and I completely balked at that idea.  Secondly, I would have to face BIL/SIL baby and all the cooing.  Thirdly, my SIL mum who had seriously pissed me off two years ago when she abruptly asked, "How many children do you have?  What none?  Why not??????"  I just couldn't stomach her after that one!!! 
Well, for the last month I had prepared as much as I could to face any situation, smart assed answers check, avoidance..check.  However, pregnant SIL didn't have to stay (I had to breathe a huge sigh of relief there).  my SIL mum didn't even mention it and actually complimented me on my dress...hoorah!!! I even managed to sit next to heavily pregnant SIL having twinges all day and the whole world asking her how she is at every available moment and I felt ok.....sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!  She did have to leave after the meal as she was tired, and I was also slightly relieved.  I did have a minor blip when we were waiting to go into the dining room and my pregnant SIL and BIL were sitting next to a couple who had a 3mnth old daughter and they were getting tips.  I was also sad when it was the first dance and my BIL, SIL and baby all danced as a family.  There were a lot of children there but I didn't have a melt down.  All in all I was very proud of myself. 

Guardian Article: What If IVF Fails?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/sep/17/ivf-couples-fertility-treatment

Interesting article.  It always amazes me though that these articles always seem to by-pass the real emotional pain behind infertility.  What about those who either can't 'move on' or who are in the midst of treatment and they are having  hard time.  Maybe if we read an article like that, then it would clear up huge misunderstandings and there would be more appreciation of what IF couple are going through.  

Day 187- Scan news

My scan for Friday 23rd was cancelled and I was rebooked in for tomorrow, which unfortunately I can't make, so it has been rebooked for Wednesday 26th October.....fingers crossed!!!!!! The first receptionist I spoke to was really quite snippy.  She sounded really impatient, but the second receptionist (male) was really polite.  Ah well, at least I got the job done.

Wedding Anniversary

Well yesterday was our 10th wedding anniversary.  It was lovely, we had a meal, watched a movie and booked our Easter break to Portugal.  I can't wait.  It was also nice to have my parents call and ask about us rather than bleat on about my pregnant sister too.  It was nice to organise a break so any future RE appointments can be organised around it.  xx

Back again with an update

Hi guys.  I'm back from a lovely week away in Greece.  It was exactly what we needed to chill out.  I have received the date for my scan.  It is September 23rd.  I am really nervous because I've never really known how healthy I am in there.
This morning I have really been preoccupied with my age.  I never have before.  I am 31yrs old and my DH is 32yrs old.  It has really struck me that if all this works out I may have a maximum of 8-9yrs left to start a family and we haven't really started saving for a deposit on a house and I really want to do some more travelling especially to the USA.  At least we are debt free....whoopeee.  Now it is time to really sort out my priorities I guess.  This is such a complicated situation but I am sure all will become clear in the fullness of time. xx

Grrr....trying not to rant but I have to...(trying for a baby mentioned)

Hi guys,

I am really trying not to rant here but I was so mad I have to say this.  I went to the hairdressers this morning, and I noticed that there were four new baby prams in the window...strange!!!  The wash bay assistant said that the main hairdresser's mum runs her own business selling that type of thing.  I actually impressed myself by being really calm and having a baby conversation with her as I was being served....whoopee (and I was hormonal).  Anyhow, The hairdresser took over and started by saying that her belly button ring had become infected and she had to remove it because she was 'trying' and it could cause damage.  Now, this is the same woman who left the salon twice to smoke during the space of my hour long appointment.  Jesus woman, does she not realise that she could be pregnant and it is during the first couple of cell divisions after conception that serious damage can be done!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyhow rant over. 
Just to let you guys know that I am on holiday now and will be back on Monday 29th August.
xx

Feeling Unsupported by my Mum (pregnancy mentioned).

Tonight my Mum rang to find out how we coped throughout the London riots.  We were in the thick of it and I had to flee work as I received a warning that a 200 strong gang who had just set a mall ablaze were heading my way.  I hadn't even relayed the whole story when she proceeded to change the subject to my sister's pregnancy.  She had a scan today and found out that she should be having a boy and she wanted my help choosing names.  I was gobsmacked.  My mother sat with me when I was diagnosed and saw my reaction.  Has she forgotten what I went through?  Well I haven't, I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  My mum then wanted to discuss dates as my sister is due at Xmas, they want to fly in from abroad "to be with her but it would be nice to see me too".  I feel so glad to be their afterthought.  Am I that insignificant now because I can't give her a grandchild?  

Day 142-Fertility Doctor Follow-up Appointment (Part 2)

It has suddenly struck me that on January 4th I don't just find out our test results but we find out if we are suitable for any form of IVF and pregnancy.  I never realised how important that is. xx

Day 142-Fertility Doctor Follow-up Appointment

Woohoo!  Got my follow-up appointment for the Assisted Conception Unit for January 4th!!!!!  Just waiting for my scan date xx

Day 140- First Appointment in Assisted Conception Unit

Firstly I have to say a really big thank-you to several readers who sent their best wishes for today's appointment.  Your kind words of support mean a lot to us. 
Well, I was seriously bricking it today.  I was so nervous.  In the waiting room there at least five couples and a couple of women who came alone.  Seeing that picture made me wonder how many of us will eventually have families.  The woman who went in before us came out looking rather serious.  Unfortunately we sat in the boiling waiting room for 1hr 30mins before we were called.  I was weighed and measured.  This was quite stressful lol....as last year I had lost 8kg and I had put 3kg back on so I am now 47.5kg with a BMI of 22.5.  We were asked the usual questions, age, how long we had been together, smoking and drinking etc.  It was then explained that our options are 1) DE IVF, 2) IVF hopefully with my own eggs (but this is a long shot), or 3) adoption. 
The doctor proposed that I have a uterine scan, an AMH level blood test to see what my hormone levels are like and if the score is good possibly a subsequent dye test to check my gynaecological health. DH has to provide a sample too.  I had the blood test and we are now waiting for my scan date and follow on appointment with the ACU.  
Later on it really hit me that by having that blood test I had gone through the first discomfort for my child and I was fine with it.  It was the first sacrifice I had made for our baby....wow. 

Day 139-Pre Fertility Doctor Appointment Nerves and Questions

Well at 1.30pm, I received my courtesy call from the hospital about tomorrow's appointment.  I can't believe that this is happening. I am finding it rather scary to say the least.  I feel relaxed that I am 31yrs old and we have decided to get the ball rolling now so we have a lot of living to do and preparations to make before any child arrives.  I am just worrying about what could happen.  I would imagine that the doctor will look at my notes and arrange the appropriate medical tests to see if I am even illegible to have IVF.  I am scared to think what they may find.  What if I am not suitable?  This will certainly turn the tables.  We will have to think about what our options will be.  Even though I have known about my TS for so long, I will find it hard to hear the reality of my reproductive health system.  I don't know how healthy I am down there, there are going to be some difficult home truths.
To prepare myself, I have thought of some questions I want to ask.
1) Will I have to take any meds, if so, what are the side effects?
2) How easy will it be to find a matching egg donor?
3) Do we tell our child about how they were conceived?
4) What happens in the procedure?
5) Are there likely to be delivery complications?

I spoke with DH and he seems chilled about it all.  He did look a bit uncomfortable when I told him that at some point he will have to give a sperm sample and he may be required to lose weight...bless him..lol xx

Day 133- Things To Do Before Baby

It is Day 133 of my own barrentobaby journey.  It is a week until our first all important appointment.  I am 31yrs old and we decided to start our enquiry early so that we can have the most relaxed journey possible so that we can have time to think about our issue.  I am so grateful for this.  I decided to make a list of things that I would really like to do before any future baby arrives so I feel totally ready for motherhood...or as ready as I'll ever be.
1) I want to travel more, the USA being my first point of call.
2) I want my DH to learn to drive and for us to get another car.
3) Hopefully, I want us to buy a house to raise in which we can raise our little family.
4) I want us to sort out our finances before baby arrives-good news on this one- we are now completely debt free for the meantime....whooooppppeeeee!!!!We just need to save.  I guess one never really gets how much kids cost until they arrive.
5)  Lets get as far as we can in our careers.  I am lucky in that I am a trained actor and I have my credentials Composeso that I can manoeuvre around.  My DH has taken a year out to record his album.

So lets get working on that list!  Updates coming! xx

Different Types Of Infertility and the Media

Back again!  As is now a week until my big appointment I was thinking about different types of infertility and how various situations can affect the sufferers.  I feel that as the general public are so ill informed and that is partly the media's fault I would try and break it down a little. All infertility causes the same terrible heartache at the end of the day.

Medical Infertility 
This is infertility where there is a diagnosed medical issue e.g. Turner's Syndrome, Azospermia, Endometriosis etc or the sufferer has been rendered infertile by a medical procedure or course of treatment e.g. a vasectomy or hysterectomy.  Many treatments for cancer, renal and cardiac issues and even diabetes can also damage fertility.  Many of these people can't adopt due to these medical issues in the first place and are often told that they should be 'grateful' that they are healthy as they can be.....seriously.  Would you tell somebody who is wheelchair bound after an accident that they should be grateful...no!  That is just crass.

Circumstantial Infertility
This is the group who really get a raw deal from the media especially from papers like the UK Daily Mail.  This group is usually made up of women  who either never met the right father for their children, wanted a career, or had some form of weight/age issue and now they find themselves childless not by choice.  The media constantly berate these women for damaging their own fertility by their lifestyle choices when they were probably born fertile.  This is so wrong.  Yes we all have decisions to make, sometimes we regret those decisions but stop hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?  Even the self righteous holier than thou media make mistakes. 

Secondary Infertility
This group have been fortunate to have one child either naturally or with assistance.  The media and public at large usually tell them to be grateful for what they have, or are told that they are selfish just for having one child!!!!!  As if they had a choice in that!!!

Unexplained Infertility
These are the couples who after trying and after extensive tests seem to be healthy but still can't conceive.  This group usually have to endure rude jokes about firing blanks and questions about what is wrong....well if they knew that they would have a family wouldn't they!! 

Each group has it's own issues but they all suffer at the end of the day from the fact that they lack the child that so dearly want.  I just wish the media and the public would try and learn a bit about this subject and that even though the outcome is the same the issue is actually quite complicated and needs attention.

PETA Infertility Awareness Week Petition

http://www.change.org/petitions/tell-peta-infertility-is-not-a-joke-2
This petition is in response to a PETA campaign when they 'celebrated' National Infertility Week by giving away a free vasectomy...yes you did read that correctly!!!! I was shocked to read this article given the fact that I am a staunch veggie and animal lover. xx

How To Support Your Turner's Syndrome Daughter/Wife/Friend

The fact is I am on here because I have Turner's Syndrome i.e. no ovaries.  It is a chromosome disorder that can lead to several life changing issues.   Here's a few thoughts as to how to best support that special little lady in your life.

1) Sociospacial Awareness:
Many TS patients have a Turner Neurocognative Phenotype (hope that is spelled correctly). Basically, this means that she may have difficulty with things like learning to walk as a baby, balancing, hand-eye co-ordination, sports, typing and driving.  She may have dyscalculia i.e. number blindness.  So she may need extra tuition with these things at school.  If learning to drive, I recommend starting out on automatic first.  Try maybe a dance class or yoga to help with the hand-eye co-ordination/balance. 

2) Clothes:
This is a constant source of frustration, especially as she gets older.  Usually trousers and jackets will need altering.  A sewing machine may be a good investment. 

3) Health:
Watch out for things like weight gain and encourage her to eat a healthy diet.
Your endocrinologist may suggest cardiac checks.
Encourage her to drink enough water as TS patients are susceptible to bladder/kidney infections.

I know that there are several TS ladeez out there reading this, so please chip in your thoughts and additions to the list. xx

How To Support An Infertile Family Member Guide

I have also decided to write a guide so that people who know that their child/sibling is dealing with infertility can try and give support.  These points are in addition to the previous guide I constructed, again guys, I'd love to hear your opinions.  It is a difficult subject to approach as breeding is so natural.  I can't tell people not to talk about their pregnancies /kids but it can be so isolating for an infertile person.  The key is to let them know you care.  This is a rough guide as I am only going through this for the first time myself and would love to get this part more concise.

1) Please be gentle when telling them about other family members pregnancies especially if the expectant parent is younger.  The infertile person may feel extremely humiliated by this.

2)  Facebook is a minefield of scan pictures/baby bumps and happy families for an infertile person.  I can't say don't add these things but please just be aware how a close family member dealing with infertility may see this.  This point is just to raise awareness how seemingly innocent actions can be construed as extremely insensitive.

3)  If the infertile person is the eldest and a younger sibling falls pregnant it can be really rough.  They probably dreamed of how they would break the news of a first pregnancy.  Please, just discreetly ask how they are and that say that you care.  Talk about it on their terms.

I hope these points are helpful xx

How To Support An Infertile Friend Guide

Guys, I have decided that I have spent too much time ranting on this blog.  I wanted to try and write a constructive guide that explains concisely the kind of issues that we have to face and the kind of support we may need.  I would love to hear some feedback.

1) Please don't tell an infertile person to relax.  It can be taken as being extremely patronising.  Secondly, the chances are that you aren't a trained medical professional.  No amount of relaxing is going to make someone develop healthy ovaries,  womb, eggs or sperm. 

2) Please don't boast about your own fertility.  The fact is you are fertile, just looking at your partner or sitting on the same seat as them when it warm doesn't make a baby, two healthy reproductive systems does.  It is also extremely demeaning for an infertile person to hear that because they may be wondering what the hell is wrong with their/partner's body.  Infertility is one thing, but the failure to conceive after a year of regular timed unprotected intercourse could mean that something serious going on behind the scenes (not wanting to alarm any infertile couple reading this). 

3)  Please don't tell the infertile couple to 'just adopt'.  The paradox is that on the adoption list points score, parents score higher as they have childcare experience.  If you think it is such a great idea (which obviously it is), why didn't you adopt instead of having your biological children?

4)  Please don't tell them to 'get over it as it is no big deal'.  If you are a a true friend then I shouldn't really be having to tell you this.  Are you actually thinking that your children are no big deal, no, well then the children that the infertile person dreams about having are just as important to them.  

5) Likewise, don't tell them that 'It is not in God's/life's plan/ it is just not meant to be'.  If you really think that any of these lines is anything but extremely rude and insensitive then you aren't that bright.  It is the affected couple's decision when to stop treatment as they are having to deal with the fact that they will never have a family. 

6)  It is also not very advisable to tell them that  they are actually lucky not to be able to have children.  The chances are that, of course, they enjoy the lie-ins, holidays, money etc, but infertility is a seriously isolating experience, they don't need reminding. 

I hope this starts to explain the kind of things that infertile people have to deal with, remember one day you may need their support dealing with something that they may not understand, today it is their turn.

End IVF postcode lottery petition

http://www.petition.co.uk/end-ivf-postcode-lottery/#Sign

Please sign this petition to end the cruel postcode lottery that is denying couples IVF on the NHS.

Really mum...... text message and Facebook mentioned.

I guess this is a rant but I just had to share.  I was woken up by a text message from my mum.  The text basically mentioned my pregnant sister's dog had been rushed to the vet after accidentally eating chocolate.  She went on to say that she had seen a really cute ladybird babysuit like the one my sister had as a baby.  Was this really the kind of thing I needed to read? Yes, she must be so happy to be a Granny but please just share that with my sister privately and not me!  It was too much.  It just made me think that there is now a link that they share and I never will, it makes me feel low.  I also just had to switch off my and DH family members from Facebook as I just can't take all the pictures and comments.  They have the perfect right to be happy but they know about my situation, I guess I was silly to think that they would even think for a second about somebody else.  Anyhow, on a happier note I actually managed to get a lovely bundle of clothes!!! Shocking really as I usually find it so hard to buy anything apart from shoes and underwear!!!!!

Guardian Article: Why the media hate assisted motherhood?

To be honest, I held off writing for a few days as I have been following this issue intently and wanted to think before I put pen to paper.  Dea Birkett has written an article in the Guardian asking why the media portray assisted motherhood in such  a negative way.  I don't feel that they do, the media just mirror what people feel, and this is disturbing.  I feel we should be doing more to educate those internet trolls who systematically write extremely abusive replies every day in online internet newspaper comment boards.  These people are sadly everyday folk who are clueless about the issue of infertility.  There has been a lot in the news recently about IVF on the NHS.  I am a firm believer that it should be available.  This is not just because I am intending to access this treatment but because I have realised that actually, the inability to conceive is a secondary issue for me. My bugbear is the way infertile are treated.  We pay our taxes like everybody else and yet we are told what we can and cant have even though, like everybody else we are chipping in to the coffers for schools and NHS treatment we will never need.  It is down to that quite psychopathic element of human nature that says we look after our own.  This is why these idiots that expect us to 'just adopt', never do so themselves, even though it is proven that if you already have kids and thus have experience you are more likely to have a successful adoption application.  That is why we are expected to sit down and shut up but keep chipping in to the government, and are told to care for those who are already on this planet rather than add to the count.  Ironically enough it is the parents of several kids that tell us this who really thought about planet overcrowding when they conceived.  I don't the media are anti-IVF, but I feel we face a greater danger from an ill educated public.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/jul/07/ivf-media-hate-assisted-motherhood

Infertilty insensitivity on Facebook

Wow, and just to think that only days ago I plucked up the courage to text my sister with a kind message, and only at my parents behest. My dad was wittering on about how supportive she is being to me, really, so why did she then start plastering bump pictures all over Facebook?  I think this just goes to show that even though people know about your issue, it doesn't make them more sensitive.  I honestly think that the only thing worse than not being able to have a baby is suffering from the insensitivity of those around you when you can't and the fact that you can't speak out when these things happen for fear of being judged even more!  I hope my rant is coherent, sorry if I appear bitter but I am really angry and hurt right now. xx

Achievement

Today, I plucked up all my courage and texted my pregnant sister.  I wrote simply 'Hope all is well xx'.  It seemed like I had turned a corner! 

MSN DEIVF NHS Postcode Lottery Article

http://news.uk.msn.com/health/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=158436409

This article has got me thinking about the inevitable issue of having to be a donor egg recipient.  As I don't have any eggs of my own due to Turner's Syndrome, this is our situation, but I am worried on several fronts.

1) Ethnicity of the donor:  I am from abroad and would need an egg donor whose DNA would match.  I need to be able to explain my roots to my child.

2)  There are only 1,150 egg donors in the UK means that if nobody comes forward as a match we may have to go abroad, we have no money for this.   I find it so scary that there are so few donors, probably due to the fact that they lose their anonymity.  We need to push this issue.  There are couples out there who can't adopt and need eggs and sperm to help them start a family.

3) Luckily, we are starting tests soon as I am 31yrs old, so we are in no rush even if there is a long list.  I just hope I am applicable.

4)  Many PCTs are now arbitrarily denying couples IVF.  There needs to be a national standard. So far, so good on this one for me.  As we are getting in early, I am expecting a wait.   

Octomum (Nadya Suleman) article about how she 'hates her kids'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2009524/Octomom-Nadya-Suleman-I-hate-babies-older-children-animals.html

I am quite shocked but not surprised by this article.  Octomum, Nadya Suleman, has made an emotional outburst about how she hates her 14 children.  Yes, having so many kids and being a single parent must be an unbelievable burden but after six kids she chose to have IVF to have eight more.  It is women like her who give IVF a bad name when there are couples who desperately want a family and can't due to legitimate medical grounds. Such misuse of this treatment gives IVF users a bad name. 

My folks called...ongoing acceptance of other's pregnancies when infertile

Well, it was actually my dad who called me last night.  He briefly asked how I am and said that all the family are well.  Within a minute (seriously) he asked if I was talking to my sister and how she needed my support and how much she has matured to the extent that she was being very mindful about me. 
Firstly, I absolutely agree with the sentiment that she has matured.  She hasn't plastered Facebook pictures and announcements etc, and this is something I am completely grateful for.  I guess it is just unrealistic for me to sweep it under the carpet. I guess I am just devestated that I don't get to make either of my or DH parents granparents first, and I am so hurt by that fact.  My mum then spoke to me and after a quick chat about the animals and work etc she said that  she had received pictures of my sister with her new bump.  I just said 'oh, that's nice.'  Mum quickly changed the subject, knowing that she couldn't hide how excited she is to be a granny-to-be. I guess in my situation, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, if my folks are too near then they are 'in my face' but if I am too far away then 'I am rejected'.  I guess it is going to be a long journey in dealing with family pregnancies, and it isn't just my journey but my family's journey too.  Wow, it has struck me how my tone has changed, maybe I am progressing!!

Stats

One of the things I love about blogging is reading the stats from where my readers come from.  I have now got readers from all the continents except Antarctica!!! I am so excited about this, that people from all over the world, including some places I have never heard about are reading my little blog...incredible!! 

TS Awareness Day

I have just been informed by a friend in the USA  that July 15th 2011 is TS Awareness Day.  Wow, we seem to have a lot of these days but as a well known cosmetics brand says 'You're Worth It!'.  

My mum wants to talk....again. Serious moral dilema.

Well, my mum wants to talk on Monday evening.  I am guessing that she and dad are planning to book tickets soon to ensure they can be here for the festive period when my sister is due.  I would imagine that she is going to get me to try and commit to seeing them as soon as possible.  This year is so hard, my dilema is on my DH side there will be two new babies this Xmas and there is the added issue that we have recently been told that my MIL has bone cancer and her prognosis is five years.  This means that very understandably she is going to want to spend special family times together etc, and of course that means that I will expected to be there.  Since this prognosis she has become very lucid verbally due to her strong medication and she has been saying certain things that she would never usually do e.g. the comment about me giving her a cute baby.  I am terrified that she is going to say to us that she wants at least one grandchild from each of us before she passes away, and she has already started hinting.  To be honest, to try and reach a  middle ground I might just  try and see my inlaws a couple of days after Xmas, so they have already made a huge fuss about the babies and the others won't be there, so at least we can see them.  Hopefully, if I tell my mum that then the pressure will be off me to see my sister.  I feel a real bitch for doing that but this situation is so hard, as if I want to start getting emotional around them and detracting from the real happiness of the season.  Furthermore, I want to enjoy my Xmas, and not be forced into extremely tough and potentially hostile situations.  Is that so wrong or am I being selfish??

My sister's pregnancy...again

Well I was on the train going into work when I received a text from my sister saying that she had had her first scan and all is well, which is obviously good news.  I replied with a simple 'Congrats xx'.  She replied by saying that as she is due on Boxing Day, my parents are trying to come over.  To be honest I am dreading this Xmas, on my DH side there will be two babies celebrating their first Xmas and my sister is due on my side.  I just want to curl up under a rock or book a couple of days away at a spa for some pampering just by myself with my phone turned off during the holidays. My DH was great this evening I feel just so angry that I am supposed to just grin and bear it and support everybody else when there is no support coming my way.  It sucks.  Sorry for the me-post but I am seriously hormonal....lol xx

Another phonecall from my mum

Well, the other night I had a call from my mum who asked why I hadn't called my sister.  I was quite irritated by this as she knows that we have never been close.  She was expecting me to call her every three weeks to ask her how things were going with her pregnancy.  I can't deny that the whole issue makes me feel very uncomfortable and that it has made me less inclined to talk to her.  However, it is not as simple as that.  I have really discovered that when you are a childless woman you have to be so careful around those with kids and pregnant women.
I teach and I have had some strange interaction with mums in my time, some of them are extremely possessive about their kids.  Hey, I guess I would be too, but it can start some hefty conversations about why I teach when I have no children and I can't possibly understand kids when I have none of my own.  It just seems we can't be accepted however we deal with it.  If we try and be involved and be the kind auntie then we are branded  desperate and are trying to steal the children away, like my DH aunt.  She is childless and has always had a wonderful relationship with her niece and nephews.  However, she is now treated like some kind of work mule to care for her aging parents, after all, she has no kids so she has all the time in the world!!!!!!!!!!  When she is exhausted nobody supports her at all and she is told that she has chosen to be that way!!!!!!  On the other hand if we try and distance ourselves then we are seen as bitter. 
I tried to point out to my mum that this pregnancy hasn't altered things between my sister and I, we were never that close and that I feel that pregnancy is a private thing.  It is so refreshing to see that my sister hasn't posted god knows what on Facebook.  I respect her for that.  I then pointed out that if the reverse was true and we decided to go for IVF or adopt, we would say nothing at all.  It a decision between my DH and I.  Likewise, I never expect anybody to talk about my TS.  Well, I can't expect a mum of three to understand really can I??

Father's Day

Hi everybody.
I hope you all got through yesterday.  I texted my Dad and worked throughout the day.  My DH went to his parents house for a curry.  I asked him yesterday how he was feeling.  He said he was ok, but I think at least at some point yesterday he might have thought about it.  He is very good with his feelings usually.  I might chat with him again tonight to see if anything was going on.  His brother who has a baby wasn't there and I'm a little glad because I think there would have been some fuss about the whole issue of the first Father's Day.  I did feel a little sad reading the local paper this week that was covered in First Father's Day announcements.  I find Father's Day harder to deal with then Mother's Day as I am so aware that it is my fault that I am denying my DH a child and my body is affecting his life.  Anyhow....onwards and upwards.

Father's Day coming up

Well, it's that time of year.  Yesterday, I was on the train reading the paper and a huge 12 page Father's Day offers pullout drops into my lap.  Yes, I know we live in the world where 80% of people can have a family, but it still hurt.  I am having a rough one this year because my DH is the only male member of his family not being a Dad or a Dad-to-be.  He is going to see his dad on Sunday and I hope nothing is said.  Thank goodness I won't be there.  I  hope he can just brush it off.  At least we have our appointment in August.  Sorry for the me-post but I find Father's Day so much worse than Mother's Day as it reminds me of what I can't give my husband.  

Mother donates womb to infertile daughter

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-nottinghamshire-13752288
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2002938/Sara-Ottosson-Womb-transplant-mother-offer-25-year-old-chance-baby.html
 http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/jun/13/uk-mother-agrees-donate-womb-daughter

This story is incredible.  A mum has decided to donate her womb to her daughter who was born without various reproductive organs.  In effect, the daughter could give birth using the same womb that carried her.  Wow!  I naturally do hope it works but it is major surgery for both parties and previous attempts have sadly failed.  It is amazing how far some people will go to bear children, which means that it must be such a primeval experience. Good luck to them!

Turner's Syndrome Connections

Just giving a big shout out there as there is a new TS support website is town.  I've added it to my blogroll, but being a complete technophobe I'm pretty useless so I've added the link here too.

http://www.turnersyndromeconnections.co.uk/

Play Script- Part 2

I went to the reading of the script with the pregnant character and I got through it well, I wasn't asked to imagine how it would feel etc, so that made it easy.  I guess it would have been a different story if that had been a poignant part of the exercise.  I did however feel uncomfortable with the several 'belly hold' stage directions involved.  The script was written by a mother of two, never mind.

More than 70 per cent of NHS trusts break rules to deny IVF – Part 2

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1395082/Three-quarters-health-trusts-refuse-couples-IVF-treatment-blanket-ban.html

This is a complete scandal.  Infertile people pay just as much tax as anybody else so why are they denied this treatment that  they need through no fault of their own e.g. cancer, cardiac issues etc.  This is the same with breast augmentation.  So many people believe that these are cosmetic procedures they forget that in many cases there are medical issues behind them. Female cancer survivors will be left infertile with holes in their chests because there will be no distinction between cosmetic and medical need when these departments are cut.  What kind of country do we live in where one person's money is valued more than another persons?  The NHS should be funding everything as one never knows when a medical issue may affect them.  Why not raise taxes for the richest people? In these economic times why should some be allowed to amass huge fortunes?  What is even more disgusting is the everyday folk who struggle to get by are being forced to make cut throat decisions to save themselves and effectively not give a toss about others.

More than 70 per cent of NHS trusts break rules to deny IVF – and save money

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/more-than-70-per-cent-of-nhs-trusts-break-rules-to-deny-ivf-ndash-and-save-money-2293848.html

I saw this article today and was shocked to read it.  How dare health care professionals move the goalposts and put a price on our children's heads.  The fact is that we all pay our taxes and so we should be able to receive the treatment we pay for.  Many IVF patients have been through the trauma of illnesses such as cancer, cardiac and renal issues which is why these people need IVF in the first place.  It is an important part of complete palliative care.  We are selling these people short and that situation could happen to anybody, either yourself, your kids, siblings or close friends.  It is a truly devastating  and isolating situation to have to face. 

Turner's Syndrome Awareness Monday 6th June 2011

Right chaps.  Today is our day.  Wear purple with pride and lets raise awareness about TS!!

Play Script

I've never mentioned this in my blog, but I am an actress/drama teacher.  I guess because I am so small (4ft 8, 1m44cm) I have never been cast as a maternal type character.  However, for a workshop I am attending on Tuesday, I have to read this 90 page script and the protagonist is a photographer who has been beaten by her on/off boyfriend and she discovers she is pregnant.  Jesus, now this is a toughie.  As an actress, I have to pretend that I have been in all sorts of situations, but being a pregnant woman is so far from anything I can imagine that I worry that any mother watching would instantly know that I am childless.  Many actors can empathise with most situations that crop up in scripts but because this issue is so close to home I would find it really hard. It is also because it is so primeval, it can be so easily detected.  I am actually feeling slightly nervous.  The character is very happy, so I guess I will just have to imagine what it would be like to take a pregnancy test and get a positive.  Just writing that has made my fingers tingle.  IF has even affected my job.

National Family Week

As it is half term it is National Family Week. It says ' National Family Week is also part of the new website www.familytime.co.uk, a one stop destination for families with children of all ages'. 
I think that is rather tasteful as it is rather inclusive.  Even though I sadly don't have children of my own, I guess I am my parents daughter and I am a DIL too, so I still count...lol.  Families come in all shapes and sizes.  The aim of this campaign is to raise awareness of issues that affect families in 2011 e.g. the recession, work-life balance etc.  These issues affect single people and couples too. I haven't seen much advertising about this but hey, the date to remember is Monday 6th June.  It is Turner's Syndrome Awareness Day. Wear purple with pride!!!!!

The In-laws

Hi guys,

Bit of a delicate one here.  Over the weekend I went to see DH family.  I have always had a good relationship with them.  My pregnant SIL came over and I even had a decent chat to her, albeit, not about the baby.  I did feel a little upset when DH asked her a couple of questions like 'Can you feel the baby move? I wish he could see that I don't see that as him just taking an interest but transferring feelings to an outlet, if you catch my drift.  I felt deflated that there is no chance of him feeling our baby kick. I also chocked when my MIL grabbed the bump and spoke to it.  She even kissed her grandson's picture. 
Today was hard because on our way home my MIL saw a cute baby in a pram and said to me 'I want a cute baby from you too!!!!'  WTF.  OK I never talk about my IF, but that really grated me, if only it was that easy.  My DH told me to cut her some slack because she is very ill and is on medication that makes her rather lucid verbally, and her appointment this morning hadn't gone well.  Furthermore, we met BIL/SIL and baby for lunch and naturally MIL cooed over him and the conversation was pretty baby based.  Then, SIL sisters kids arrived and DH was playing with them, that really hurt as I would love to see him play with our kids one day. 
The icing on the cake came when my mum texted me asking if I had spoken to my pregnant sister recently.  COME ON!!!  I am meant to make the effort to swallow my pride and discuss a topic that is so far from me that I would struggle when they have made no effort to cross the same line and comfort me? Why is my TS and IF considered so far down the scale that I don't require support myself.  Actually, I do!
On the plus side, yesterday, I had a lovely day at the zoo and I cuddled a rat and stroked goats, pigs, sheep and cows.  I also saw my favourite animal, the pygmy marmoset....cute xx

Fertile Ground Movie (SPOILER ALERT)

I am a huge horror movie fan and maybe the title should have made me wary, but will I ever learn? Here is the plot.  A successful young arty couple from the city are holding a dinner party as the wife is pregnant and has just found out she is carrying a girl.  Cue first scene that contains lots of smiley bump holding and lullaby music...lol.  Tragically, half way through the meal, the wife doesn't feel very well and has a violent miscarriage in the bathroom, and even trips over the blood on the floor to a loud bang, whereby Kane, her husband runs upstairs to see the dreadful scene.  The next scene is the wife looking very very derranged in a hospital, attached to a drip, staring at a uterine scan trembling and saying 'Scarring, I can never have.....'. I actually thought the hospital scene was pretty tastfully done as it is completely devesating, and I must have looked very theatrical being escorted through a crowded waiting room in hysterics. 
In the next chapter we open to find that they have moved to a quiet house in the country, but it has a terrible history.  Several women have died there over the years.  They find boxes of little girls toys etc in the cellar.  There is even a very tender love-making scene where the wife is very anxious about how her body is and her husband calls her perfect.  Huge brownie points there!!!!!
Over the next few weeks crazy things start happening to the wife as they find a woman's skull by the sewerage pipe.  She sees several ghosts of angry men yelling and bedragled women, one is carrying a baby and one whose dress is covered in blood as if she has miscarried. 
In the next scenes, she receives a phonecall and she gasps and says she is pregnant again!  Her husband doesn't seem very happy at all.  He then seems to be very tetchy and preoccupied with his work and then descends into being angry and aggressive.  The wife's dillusions become worse as she stops taking her pills that she has being taking since her first miscarriage as she is pregnant.  She comes out of her appointment and tells her husband that her second pregnancy is very high risk and she is on bedrest.  He seems even more aggressive and her ghosty sitings become worse.  She flees and tries to walk out but develops terrible cramps and returns home to bed.  Finally she sees the miscarrying ghost again and is guided to a diary of a previous woman who was pregnant and was murdered  by her angry husband.  The wife checks dates and the diary entries match.  As her husband is away she calls her best mate who dashes over and locks herself in the house.  She thinks she sees a ghost and stabs out with a knife and it happens to be her mate.  She thinks a ghost man is after her stabs out again on the balcony, low and behold, it is her now dead husband.   She is arrested and the last scene shows her being scanned, there was no baby.  She is then sectioned in a cell.

So the upshot is that this woman was driven crazy by her IF to the point that she had a phantom pregnancy.  Jesus Christ, why doesn't the media see that these constant portrayals of mad infertile women create stereotypes that people actually believe them.  You only need glance at the comments sections of papers like 'The Daily Mail' (whose readership is in the millions) when they write an infertility story to see that people really believe the pictures that the media paint.

Infertile at 29: What it's like succeeding at everything except IVF article

http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/conception/infertility-in-vitro-fertilization-pregnancy-age
I saw this article and I can certainly empathise with the writer.  Even though we've known that we would be facing issues from day one, I understand what it is like to be in her shoes.  I was fortunate to have a damn good education (which is something I am eternally grateful to my parents), university, very happy marriage, drama school and even some subsequent work (albeit sparse..lol) etc, but when it comes down to it, one thing I can't get is a pregnancy and subsequent child.  I am being stumped by something that is completely out of my control.  Those people out there who have never dealt with IF will never get how defeated you feel by your own body when it can't do this most natural of things.  In fact, I would argue that a baby is a secondary desire to that most terrifying fear when you realise that your body, for whatever reason, isn't working.  For some, this is after months of ttc nothing happens and the tests start or in my case a pre -diagnosed issue that has is tough enough to deal with but IF is the icing on the cake.  It is this process of knowing that something is wrong with your body that needs investigating because it could be the start of something more serious is something that should be acknowledged  by people in general.  IF is so much more than a quest for a baby!

Worst things to say to someone TTC

I saw this link on People and thought I would share.  Unless you are living it then you are clueless!!!!  If you want to add some more, please do.  Any more witty retorts would be greatly appreciated.
xx
http://pregnant.thebump.com/getting-pregnant/fertility-problems/slideshow/worst-things-to-say-to-someone-ttc.aspx

My SIL's scan

My SIL had her 20wk scan today and confirmed over Facebook that she was having a boy.  I am so glad because it would mean that there is still a remote chance that I could give my DH family the first girl.  About 18 months ago a name and an image of our daughter just popped into my head so vividly that sometimes I can picture her as I fall asleep.  I know it sounds silly but the name that came to me actually means 'Grace that comes from a sea of bitterness'....weird or what!  I was never the kind of girl that planned her wedding and kids by the time she was 7years old, but this name and image really stuck in my mind.  I would be devastated if either of my sisters or SILS used my baby name. I never thought I could get so possessive over something like that. 

Baby Mama movie (spoiler mentioned)

Maybe because I am feeling very hormonal right now.....yes AF is on her way (TMI), but last night Babymama was aired and I sat and watched it as I did my ironing (wow I lead a fun life!!!!).  It is the story, the protagonist is a 37yr old business women (yeah yeah) who has everything but a baby and she has a T shaped womb.  Call me sceptical by why is she a single 37yr year old business woman???  The fact that her uterus is the wrong shape is a by-line for that fact that she can't find 'the one' and that it is her fault that she is too picky to find a man.  So, she hires an obviously younger woman to be a surrogate.  Being the controlling business woman, she tries to control every aspect of this natural process and turn it into a highly organised affair....please!!!  It turns out that the surrogate isn't pregnant with her child but is pregnant with her on/off partner's baby so a maternity suit ensues.  In the meantime business woman learns to 'relax' and finds a man and gets naturally pregnant after the first try.  Nobody has any form of treatment and all is happy!!!!!  How naive is the Hollywood version of pregnancy/childbirth and motherhood!!!!!  It insults surrogacy as a mucky transaction.  It shows that if a woman can't have children it is their fault and that 'Earth Mothers' are more happy.  Why not make a sensitive movie about how a young couple can't naturally have children and they exhaust every avenue and it shows accurately how society treats these people.  Maybe it would open people's eyes to the issue and that it could affect somebody who is close to them and that they need support. 

People Magazine article (Miranda Kerr)

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2011/05/21/miranda-kerr-motherhood-made-me-more-of-a-woman/

I have to say I hate this article title 'Motherhood has made me more of a woman'.  Whilst the article starts to explain that it is her new found curves that make her feel more womanly, it is clearly implied that motherhood is equal to femininity.  What does that make us non-mums?  Are we less than women?  How about those oh so natural mums who mistreat their children, they are surely not as womanly as a loving mother.  Does this mean that us non-mums are equal to those neglectful mothers in terms of womanliness?  Yes, I do feel less of a woman because the most feminine of areas of my body don't work but I know damn well that if we have this treatment and it is successful, I will work damn hard to be a good mum and be a better woman for my child's sake.  Sorry for the rant but I am exhausted and hormonal...lol xx

Pregnant celebrities

It seems that everywhere I look there are pictures of various famous women holding their bumps with pride, revealing their latest cravings or showing exclusive pictures of their designer nurseries that await their imminent arrival.  Here's a thought, why not have articles about celebrities who are raising awareness of infertility and that they didn't 'just wait too late' and are thus viewed as cruel career women.  By showing the world that infertile people are normal and that we are capable of leading happy lives it would maybe show the world that we don't need the constant questions about our lack of children.

Daily Mail Article- extremely insensitive to infertile people

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1388477/Barren-Britain-19-women-childless-menopause.html

I am completely shocked to see this article published by this paper.  It explains how 19-20% of British women are childless by the menopause, and calls them 'barren'.  Barren means infertile not childless by choice.  It then insinuates that these women then go on to regret their decision.  I for one am sick of being lumped together with those people who have made a decision not to breed (a decision which I find admirable).  I am childless not by choice, I have no say in the matter and I am being treated like a 'cold hearted career woman'.  I am dreading having to face my forties with a new barage of questions about why I never chose to start a family with such a loving husband.  When will these challenges ever stop!!!

Donor egg baby article.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/may/14/donor-eggs-pros-cons-conception

This week, I read a very insightful article about a journalist who conceived via donor egg.  She poses some serious questions that I am going to have to address.
1) Even though I am pregnant, will the child 'feel' like mine.
2) How will I cope, raising a child who isn't biologically mine?
3) Do we tell our child the truth?
4) How do I cope if our child decides to trace his/her egg donor?
5) How do we discuss my South African roots?
6) Do we tell others about how our child was conceived?  If so who?
7) Will our families love our child the same as biological members of the family?
8) How do I approach my employers with the news that I am having a very high risk pregnancy?

At this early stage, I have more questions that answers, hopefully soon I will start to find my way and decide how these issues will be dealt with.  It just seems that unless a child is conceived naturally, within a marriage and when the mother is between 25-35yrs old, there is somebody around to pass judgment.  It is this factor that again makes infertility harder to deal with then it should be.

My changing relationship with my sister

I have decided to let my sister get on with things.  The reality is that she will probably have a million questions and she will need a mother's advice.  I have realised that my position as the childless older sister is going to dictate my relationship with both my sisters' future children. I have to confess that I just can't really face my husband's growing extended family. Moreover, as an infertile woman, it puts me between a rock and a hard place.  If I come on too strong then I am regarded as the desperate childless woman whose clock will soon start ticking and if I completely ignore the situation then I am a hard nosed selfish career woman.  Everybody else will be analyzing what I do.  I won't want to be all huggy kissy over the baby because lets face it, if a childless woman picked up your child, would you not think she was creepy??  I will only approach the child if given permission and I guess I will reluctantly hold it like I did with my SIL's son. It took me a fortnight to meet him and I only briefly held him very tentatively at the end of the visit.  This is the worst aspect of infertility, not being able to have a child is bad enough, but to be constantly judged and having to explain  your every move is a nightmare. The fact that my situation has affected the way that my sisters can tell me what should be extremely happy news is so unfair on them.    I just can't believe I haven't cried yet.

IVF for soldiers

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13415521
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1387693/Liam-Fox-Military-covenant-soldiers-permanently-fighting-court-cases.html
Wow.  Defense Secretary, Liam Fox, has said that under a new covenant, those soldiers who have been rendered infertile following injuries sustained whilst serving can get three courses of IVF on the NHS.  This is great news for those concerned, but how about also ensuring those of us who has served our country in other ways and who have paid the same taxes get the same benefit.

Different Cultures

I am half South African and this has added a new dynamic to my situation.
Firstly, my extended family, who don't know me that well,  have put a lot of pressure on me with the questions about when I'm going to have a baby.  It is the cultural norm to have a large family at a young age and to raise them in a 'traditional' fashion with a working father and a housewife mother. I worry how they will react towards me when they know that it is my unwed younger sister who is pregnant and not me.  They already want to know why I won't make my mum a granny.  
I also wonder how this will affect any prospective egg donation.  How will I explain the whole South African connection to my child?  It would certainly help to have a South African donor.  I certainly wouldn't want to meet her as to be honest, she is more of a woman than I will ever be. I wonder if I will have to go to South Africa.  I don't really want to because I don't want my folks to be involved until I tell them I am having a baby.  The fact that I would be there and in hospital would attract attention from my extended family too. I really want to keep this between myself and my husband.  I hope there is even a donor on the list.  I don't mind waiting for years.

Reacting to other peoples' pregnancies.

I have found over the years that I have reacted very differently to other people becoming pregnant.  I reacted very badly to both my SIL.  I feel numb towards my sister and really want to keep my distance. It is early days for her but I wonder how my feelings will progress.  My colleague has just been rushed off on maternity leave and actually I am getting into it by suggesting a baby mock up of a company t-shirt and I gave generously to her baby present fund!!!!!!  Previously, I have been in tears at my colleagues getting pregnant.  A couple of receptionists at my other job have toddlers and it is baby talk all the way and I am up and down.  I think because I spend so much time with kids as a teacher, I am able to get involved with their conversations so I feel included, so maybe working with kids has helped me.  I even call my classes 'my kids'. I don't get jealous at all.  I have had a couple of sticky moments with parents and I feel quite useless when that happens. Perhaps my job gives me a child fix???  Could this be that I am starting to deal with my infertility issues?

Blog feedback

Hi guys,
Just a note to say a huge thank you for all the kind words of support that you have posted on facebook.  It means a lot to me.
xx

My dad's role

I have been sitting here thinking about how my dad has reacted to my TS and my sister's pregnancy.  I can understand that because my family are so far away from the UK and I am the only member of the family here with her that he feels that it is my responsibility to look after her.  Quite how I am supposed to advise her is beyond me but I have to ask myself, how has he supported me?  Last night, he never asked me how I feel or how this affects me but that I should be there for her, which of course I am.  He left the nittygritty to my mum, as per usual, maybe it is because it concerns 'lady parts'...lol.  He has never spoken to me about my TS let alone the repercussions of it.  It would be nice to know that he does think about me occasionally.  This just demonstrates to me how IF really does have shattering consequences for not just those directly concerned.

I spoke to my mum about my sister's pregnancy

As expected my parents called.  My dad didn't chat for long but said that it should be treated positively and that I should support my sister as I am the only member of the family here in the UK, so I should send her a card.  Yes, my sister's pregnancy is a very happy event but surely only send a card when the baby arrives!!!!!  I understand that he is obviously very concerned for her health etc, but seriously, what possible advice could an infertile woman give a pregnant women....exactly!  My sister had said that I had been luke warm.  Well, ok I wasn't gushing, but I wouldn't be like that with anybody else as it isn't my news.  I mean that in a literal way and not in an emotional way.  I see it as a personal event between a husband and wife as it is their direct family.  I am just going to keep my distance as it isn't about me, my sister has many friends who have kids that she can call on.  I don't think I can provide any assistance at all to be fair.  In fact, it would make things worse.
Anyhow, my dad left the room to go to bed and my mum opened up.  She was more understanding about how I may feel, which was very kind of her and it transpires that both my sisters know about my TS and what it means.  I have to say it made me think about how much respect they have given me about it as they have never mentioned it.  It got me thinking that actually, my sister had continued to be kind by telling me quietly and considerately.  She could have had a massive party and let me cry, which would have made me look really bad.  It must have been so hard for her to tell me, after all, I was the last one to know.  I think I have found a new respect for her. 

Food for thought-10 reasons not to have children.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/119923/10_eyeopening_reasons_not_to?next=11

This article did make me sit up and think.  Why do people want children?  Maybe it is a biological urge.  If this all does go to plan then I would seriously worry about baby weight, stinky nappies, the cost and sleepless nights.  I guess that feeling of a child holding you is payment enough.  I wonder how many fertile couples think about these realities before they start trying??? As the addage says 'You don't know what you've got til its gone'.

My mum wants to talk.

Feeling rather uncomfortable as my mum texted me today to arrange a time to chat one evening.  I guess she knows that my sister has spoken to me.  This would be the first time that we would have to really talk about things.  I really don't want to mention my appointment or how I'm feeling about my sister.  It is early days in our baby journey.  My mum would also really not understand how I feel about my sister and it would come across as being bitchy and bitter, of which I am neither.

Mother's Day Part 2

Hi everybody.  Just checking in and hoping that everybody got through yesterday ok.  It seems that in USA especially there is a lot more fuss made about it.  In the UK it is usually about a week before when the whole high street is festooned with adverts for special deals for mums with cards and balloons in the windows.  I have to say that back in March (UK Mother's Day), I reacted alright.  I guess it was because I worked all weekend , as per usual.  I didn't really think about it.  I actually hate Father's Day more because it reminds me of what I can't give my husband. I browsed through my support websites this morning and I saw that many US readers struggled especially during the traditional church service that saw families congregate and this highlighted the issue for them.  Maybe because I am Atheist, this issue doesn't affect me and maybe it makes it easier.  Father's Day is going to be quite rough for me this year because My DH is now the only male member of his family is isn't a Dad or a Dad to be.  Until now, my DH has been quite poised, but when he goes to his family gathering this year I wonder if it hit him.  I think that I will have to address it this year to help him if he needs it.

Mother's Day

I'd just like to send all my readers in the USA, Australia and Canada warm wishes for Mother's Day.  It is a tough day for people in our position and I hope it treats you all kindly.  I'd just like to add a little fact that the founder of Mother's Day, Anna Jarvis was actually never a mum.
http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/worlds-best-moms

I have been feeling quite numb today but strangely enough I haven't cried about it.  I just don't understand it.  When I was told about my two SIL, I wept buckets.  I feel very cold now.  I just can't see myself being the doting aunt at all.  I feel bad about that, but it feels right, well, for the moment anyway.

Day 44-Appointment date

I think because my appointment news and my sister's announcement have come together, I am feeling rather shaky.  However, true to their word, Queen Mary's rang me back and my initial appointment is on August 3rd 2011.  I was even offered a first refusal possibility if there are cancellations!!!!  Good show Queen Mary's!!

My parents also need to cope with my infertility.

I am now thinking with a more rational head.  It has really struck me now that this could seriously affect my parents.  In a few weeks when my sister's announcement is made public, my mum will tell my extended family.  Even though this must be so exciting for her to at last be a granny, I am sure she will be met with comments that it is my younger sister and not me who is pregnant.  I hope for her sake that she can deal with that calmly. This just proves how deeply infertility cam affect a family, and not just the patient directly.

My sister's announcement

I'm writing this whilst in a bit of a daze so please bare with me.  This morning I received a facebook message from my youngest sister overseas telling me to call my other sister.  I called her this morning to be told that yes, she had recently found out she was pregnant.  She discovered it on the last day of a short trip to see my parents over the Easter break.  It would be a first grandchild for my parents.  My father apparently went into shock and my little sister cried.  Even though I knew it would never be me, I am right now feeling that 'first grandchild' moment has now been completely taken from me.  My husband's brother has recently had a baby and his baby brother's fiancee is pregnant.  It broke me to see the pictures of the happy new grandparents holding their first born grandchild.  Surely no subsequent announcements would be as special as that first.  Even though I was the first of us to get married, my mother has even told me that 'It wasn't what they really intended it to be'.  So I'm sure my siblings' weddings will be better too.  I really didn't want this to be a self indulgent me-post blog, perhaps I was being naive to think there wouldn't be me-moments, but I guess I am entitled to it this time.
xx

Day 43-big news!!!!!!!

I have to tell you guys that shortly after I left the voicemail message, the post arrived and low and behold Mr Postman brought me a  letter!!!!!!  Basically Gynaecology had asked me to call them to book an appointment.  I rang up and sure enough the referral letter had been received but it was in the manager's office and she will be in tomorrow. I was advised that I will be called back tomorrow by the booking agent.  Then within a few minutes the Assisted Conception Unit returned my call!!!  Wow Queen Mary's really looks as if they are on the ball!!!!
Yippppeeeeeeee!!!!
I can't believe this is happening, I am sooooo scared but in a good way.  Its a mixture of excitement and worry.  I'm excited about the prospect of becoming a mum but terrified of what it will mean and the hurdles that we will have to face.
xx

Day 43-the phone call.

Well, after 43 days, I thought it would be a good idea to chase up my progress, just to make sure we hadn't been lost in the system as I guess they are so busy.  I found the Assisted Conception Department's phone number and it went to voice mail, so I left my details.  Fingers crossed!!

Appointment Question

Hi guys.
I was just wondering, it has now been 6 weeks-including two long weekends and I still haven't received my first appointment date through.  Is this normal?  I'm not sure if I should be chasing up the hospital, especially as they may be taking on patients from two neighbouring hospitals assisted conception departments, which have closed in the government cuts. Any advice would be greatly received.
xx

The Royal Wedding

Now here is something that has got me going.  I'm sure many of you watched the festivities of Friday 29th April.  No doubt it is now Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge's duty to get pregnant as soon as possible, in order to provide the Royal family with a successor to William.  As history shows, royal women have been used a beautiful breeding accessory for their men and in many cases woe betide if they fail.....regardless of who is to 'blame' e.g. Anne Boleyn.  I wonder if she had to go through various tests? In fact in some royal households e.g. Swaziland, where the King has 11 wives, a woman who is to be married into the royal house is only a consort until she conceives, and then they marry.  The Shah of Iran even had to divorce his wife Soraya due to her inability to conceive and she even had to go through the torment of a public address. Wow, there are even jobs out there that are out of bounds if you are infertile...lol.
On the bright side though, being a state paid breeder in this royal context is no different to being on benefits except one doesn't buy their jewelry from George at Asda!

Surrogacy

I have also been thinking about surrogacy.  As I have no eggs of my own and there is a possibility that my womb may be too small and that strong drug may only help minimally, this is another option.  This would mean that my husband's sperm would fertilise another woman's egg and the embryo would be implanted into the donor.  This is very touchy ground as any resulting child would be biologically my husband's with another woman, even though of course there would be no 'natural conception'...lol.  It would certainly give my husband the opportunity to be a biological father but thinking from my own persepctive, again, I would miss out on the pregnancy and I would feel like a spare part in the room when she would have scans etc.  Legally too, I would have no right at all if anything was to happen.  I have read so many scare stories of the arrangement going wrong and the surrogate claiming full custody where the childless couple (where the man is the biological father) have no rights but they have to pay maintenance.  It is as if the childless couple are always at the bottom of the pile, which to an extent I can understand as the child comes first but they are still suffering emensly after a huge battle. It is as if the world is just telling them to 'get over it'!!!!!! As if........
Some of my posts may be a little selfish but surely any parenthood is a lifelong commitment and it is a two way relationship?

Adoption Question

Hi guys,
Back again.    Hope you all had a good Easter break.  Today I have been thinking about the pros and cons of adoption as a possible option.  My issue is that because I have heart issues (albeit minor), it could make it hard for us to adopt.  I just couldn't face the rejection on top of my infertility.  I also just couldn't deal with the social stigma attached to it as well.  I must stress that this stigma is against the child not me.  It seems that whatever the options are, the questions will follow.  Some of the horror stories that I have heard make my blood boil.  These include:

Do they come with names?
What happened to their real mother?
You are so brave taking in a child from a neglected background!

I seriously would not want my child hearing such abominations said against them, either behind their backs or to their faces.  I would also wonder how my folks and in-laws would accept a grandchild who wasn't biological.  I also wonder how I could care for a child who wasn't biologically mine.  At this present moment I ask myself if I would allow such a child to call me 'mummy'?
Naturally, I would miss out on the huge issue of pregnancy and that does bug me as it quite clearly makes me feel less of a woman, as if the TS didn't do that by itself.  This leads me to the delicate issue of how would I speak to my child about their biological roots, surely they would care.  Every child reaches the dreaded teens and it would gut me to hear them say that I wasn't their mum.  If there is a biological relative still alive, surely they could claim some contact with the child, and I would not feel comfortable with that, for very selfish reasons.  I really don't need the heartbreaking risk of a social worker or court taking my child in whom I had invested a lot of love, trust and yes, money.  I would be scared every day that there would be a knock on the door.  I would be treading on eggshells and that would not be good for the child.   Then again, doesn't every mother worry about her children every day?  It just seems that unless you are lucky enough to do everything as nature intended, it is such a moral and ethical minefield with everybody chipping in some point of view, which is more often than not cruel and ill-informed as they have not been through the minefield of infertility.

NHS cuts: the first casualties

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/apr/11/nhs-cuts-first-areas

OK guys, this is a couple of weeks old but I found this article and this is a serious scandal.  This article is a list of areas that were previously covered by the NHS but under the new government, risk huge financial cuts.  I really don't want this blog to become a political soap box but this is ridiculous. 
From a selfish point of view, yes the cuts include IVF, but maternity services, cataract removal and mental healthcare all being treated as some kind of elective and unimportant luxury.....come on!  I am sure that we are all very glad that our mothers decided to 'elect' to give birth to us and that we arrived safely!  As somebody who witnessed her own mum almost die in childbirth, these cuts would return the UK to a kind of Victorian almost Darwinian environment where only the fittest survive!  Over the next few days I will find links to government petitions in order to stop these savage cuts that will put millions of lives at risk.

Happy Infertility Awareness Week April 24th-30th 2011

http://www.dailystrength.org/features/infertility-awareness-week-2011

I love this gesture.  It makes me think, there is Mother's Day and Father's Day, but we get a whole week!!

xx

Teenager fakes pregnancy in social experiment

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/washington-teen-gaby-rodriguez-fakes-pregnancy-social-experiment/story?id=13434764
Hi all,

Hope you have all had a peaceful and chocolatey Easter!  I am still waiting for my first appointment  but hey ho.  I am a little frustrated still but, having worked for the NHS, I know that these things take time as so many people use the service.  Moreover, the two neighbouring PCTs Surrey and Sutton and St Helier have stopped all referrals!!!!!!
Anyhow, I am using this time to seriously think about the medical, emotional and ethical issues surrounding the treatment that we are hoping to undertake.  I stumbled across this amazing article from the USA, where a teenager faked a pregnancy for six months in order to gauge social reaction. It was shocking to find that she lost so many friends because of it.  Even her siblings didn't know about the plot.  She only told her boyfriend, head teacher and parents.  It really got me thinking that pregnancy and raising a family is extremely political.  It seems to me that a woman can't win.  If she has children too young i.e. under 21yrs old, then she is branded irresponsible and a benefits sponger.  If she has children between 21-35yrs old, it is only acceptable if she is married and even then many criticise her for not having a real job and she is 'just' a mum!!!!!  If she is over 35yrs old then she is too old and is risking her child's health and is selfish.  Finally, woe betide the woman who doesn't have children at all, regardless of the reason.  She is branded a selfish career woman who is cold and heartless.....nice!  Sorry for these notes, but I am feeling tired and hormonal..lol.  I  have to ask the question 'why do I want a child?'  Is it to fit in with everybody else, after all, I have been badly affected by the fact that one my SIL has recently had a baby and my other SIL is pregnant?  Is because I want to defy the doctor's diagnosis?  Is it because I want a child to love and rear and be a mum with all the ups and downs included?  I deeply love the kids I teach but I guess it so different to having one of your own.  I have to be honest and reply 'yes' to all of these questions. It doesn't make me a bad person, just honest, and I ask, how many people who just had kids naturally even asked that question?
xx

Three way IVF

Morning all.  Over the last few days I have been reading several articles in the press regarding a new technique where a child could be created from matter from two mothers and one father.  The hope is that many genetic disorders could effectively be wiped out. 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-13124077
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1378486/3-parent-IVF-babies-HFEA-gives-research-ahead-despite-life-meddling-fears.html

Even though this process seems to be at a very early stage, it has ignited a furious ethical debate.  Firstly, that old chestnut of the rights and wrongs of scientists meddling with people who some may say should be having children if it can't happen naturally and that the disabled have a right to life as they are.  My arguement would be that such a treatment would protect those individuals from many horrendous conditions that affect their lives daily in many ways and would it not help the potential parents too.  I'm sure my parents would say that they had an extra tough time with me as it was, without the extra mild learning difficulties. I can't imagine what it must be like having to support a child with a really serious issue.  I  feel that those who are against such treatment are those who either don't want children or who have been blessed with multiple children in perfect health so either way the issue doesn't affect them.  It is these people, generally, in my experience who are most unsupportive of even the most basic IF problems and even go as far as to say that IF sufferers are selfish to want children and to have treatment.  I say that I am no more selfish wanting a child than they are, it just so happens they didn't have to think about a problem.  Did they not try and try again to have their children, but it just happened to have worked.  This is hopefully what I am about to do.  Are they not the selfish ones who find themselves unaffected and don't give a toss about those who are affected by various physical/mental issues including the IF patients.  After all, am I not selfless enough to put myself under god knows what in order to provide a loving home for a child? 

Daily Mail Article- TS patient has baby

Wow!  I have just seen this article in the Daily Mail about a lady in France who has TS and her twin gave her an ovary.  The good news is that she has had a baby!!!!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1378000/Mother-gives-birth-baby-girl-given-ovary-twin-world-first.html
Obviously this is fantastic news for all concerned, but it got me thinking about how far would I go to have a baby?  I really can't see myself submitting my already delicate body to such a barrage of extreme medical procedures.  This leads me to wonder how I would react to IVF.  How would I react to the drugs?  They could really affect my body and mind in ways I hadn't expected.  I guess I'm worried about it because I know so little about the type of procedure I may be having.  More importantly than that, how could the drugs affect any baby that I may have?  These are all questions that I will be asking the consultant when I get my first appointment date.  On that front I am still waiting big time.  I am on letterbox duty every day...lol xx

The TS checkup-Wednesday 23rd March 2011

This is rather a retrospective post as the described events happened three and a half weeks ago.  I had to go to Queen Mary's Hospital in Roehampton for my annual TS checkup and I also had my ECG as I have a heart murmur.  I was really nervous as I was going to ask my consultant about receiving help conceiving.  There were many thoughts running through my mind that day.  I felt doubtful.  Even though I really know that I want to have children one day, I just feel that as DEIVF is practically our only option, it seems a good idea to try now or risk losing out as many clinics don't treat after the patient is 34yrs old..  It would have been nice to wait a few years, but we know we now don't have that luxury.  We have both decided to take it as it comes as we really don't want this to take over our lives.  We really feel that we just want to give it a go so we don't ask 'What if?', later on.  We are really trying to achieve as much as we can in our lives right now because our career paths are so unstable (I am an actress and my husband 'D' is a musician).  I actually don't believe I just wrote that but I think it is important to show that this journey is not simple and those feelings are valid.  I guess it is because I have so many questions.
Anyhow, back to the appointment.  My consultant there has always been fantastic and I have always had the full gamete of tests e.g. ECG, weight tests, BMD etc to ensure my full well being.  I entered the room with a sense of intrepidation.  I sat down and he reeled off the good news that I was as fit as a fiddle and all was well...hoooooraaaaay!!!!  I swallowed and plucked up the courage, and I asked 'My husband and I are interested in investigating our IVF options'.  He smiled and looked through my notes.  My heart seemed ok. Check.  My tablets were giving me a monthly withdrawal bleed. Check (TMI).  The chances are I would need a uterine scan but he said he would speak to the GYN/OBS consultant for us.  As I left the building with my routine checkup appointment for next year I felt a weight lift from my shoulders.  I had done it.  I had asked for help.  Maybe that's what the nerves were.  I had previously never spoken about this issue which I find so deeply humiliating.  It felt great.  Let the waiting game start!!

Welcome

Hello and welcome to my new blog.  I am a bit of a technocripple but I can't believe that I have created this little diary.

Here goes, the story so far.  When I was about ten years old, I began to notice that all the other girls were beginning to look very different to me. They were developing lady lumps and curves whilst I was as scrawny as a chicken.  Naturally, this meant that the others were going through puberty and I was not.  I try and rationalise this next statement as my body screaming that something was very wrong, but I kept dreaming that I was sitting on a sofa and I was telling a young man that I couldn't have children so the ball was in his court, if he love me, I would stay.  Between the ages of 12-15yrs old, I went to my GP on several occasions to say that things weren't happening.  However, I was 16yrs old when I saw a female locum and within minutes she realised that I hadn't grown in four years.  I was instantly referred to the hospital for blood tests that confirmed that I had Turner's Syndrome, a chromosome disorder that means the sufferer is infertile and is effectively menopausal.  I will never forget being told the news and crying hysterically in the consultant's room.  I went out for pizza with my mum but we couldn't eat, now that was a first. 

This issue has affected my life in many ways.  I am tiny, only 144cm (4ft 8in), with awful co-ordination and slight numeric and spacial awareness issues.  However, I got through school, university and drama school well.  I am now a teacher and actress in London.  I am very happily married to a lovely man and until rather recently the infertility issue never really figured as we have been working, socialising and generally being young.  Now we are in our thirties and infertility is now rearing its head.  I thought I had no options as adoption could be difficult as many agencies won't accept people who have issues with major organs (I have a heart murmur).  IVF with egg donation is an option but it is high risk for people in my situation, firstly because the rigours of a pregnancy could play havoc with my heart and also my kidneys (which also have problems).  I also have ethical and emotional issues.  Can I cope emotionally with the fact that any child that I carry won't be genetically mine?  I will never look into my child's face and see my eyes or nose etc, but I will see my husband which will be a wonderful feeling.  How would I tell my child about how they came to be?  This question may perhaps be answered by this blog and subsequent guide.  I want this blog to be a legacy, whatever the outcome. 
We are now in the present day and at my last annual TS endocrinology appointment I made a formal request with the fertility specialist.  On Wednesday 23rd March 2011 our journey from barren to baby started.